If at first you succeed ...

You/ve heard the old saying, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

But what if you do succeed?

Now that's a scary thought.

Fear of failure can paralyze you, hold you back, make you look for excuses to avoid taking risks.

But fear of success? Isn't that the ultimate excuse to celebrate?

A few years ago I was urged by a number of people to apply for a job that had come open. So I did. I got called in for an interview. That was exciting. But as the interview grew closer, I grew anxious. I thought about the job itself, an attractive one. I thought about what I would do if I got hired, and I started to feel depressed at the thought of leaving my current job, even though it wasn't particularly enjoyable at the time.

I started making lists, and realized I was looking for reasons to stay put.

I did not interview well. I wasn't exactly nervous, but I was definitely feeling conflicted, and it showed. I wasn't sure I really wanted the job.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. I was afraid of success, but why?

Stepping outside my comfort zone, for one thing. That's a little scary.

I'm pretty sure I could have handled the job, in retrospect, and I probably would have thoroughly enjoyed it. In all likelihood, I'll never know for sure.

Fear of success held me back. It's a little like fear of failure. Probably shares roots with it: a sense of inadequacy, inablity, maybe pride (wouldn't want people to find out I'd failed at something).

But while fear of failure is a reasonable attempt to avoid something unpleasant, fear of success is more an attempt to elude something good. Because ... I don't deserve it? I don't know what I'm doing and someone might find out? Or maybe the real reason is that if I succeed, people will expect a next step. More responsibility, maybe another promotion, something else will be expected of me and eventually, I won't be able to deliver. Better to fail at this level than to be on the spot later.

Spiritually, we can fear success too. It's tempting to look at what we have to lose rather than what we stand to gain when contemplating a change.

If I want to get to heaven, I won't be able to keep gossiping about other people. I know it's wrong to gossip, but it's fun, darn it. I'm pretty comfortable with it. And I'll have to stop blaming others for my own misbehavior, and I'll have to admit I made a mistake all by myself. And I'll have to stop taking the extra sugar packets with me when I leave a restaurant.

Yep, that's right. If I succeed in achieving small and large goals in my journey of faith, I'll have to give up some questionable or downright wrong behaviors, and take responsibility for my errors.

In a word, I will have to step outside my comfort zone, and now that I think about it, it's possible that fear of success is really fear of stepping outside the comfort zone. In fact, that fear probably explains a lot of behavior that otherwise seems downright irrational. .

If I succeed, I will have to change, and that's scary.

But what do I stand to gain by doing that? Peace of mind? New friends? New experiences?

That doesn't sound so scary.

I was a painfully shy child, scared at every turn that I would be rejected, laughed at, talked about, or ignored. That fear kept me from doing a lot of things as a younger person that I wish I had done.

But I've changed and I'm not afraid to step outside my comfort zone occasionally. Oh, sometimes I'm still scared, but the more I reach out, the less I am afraid.

Unfortunately, that comfort zone is sometimes failure. We're used to it -- old friends, even. We know what it feels like to fail, to miss the mark, close but no cigar. Success, though? That's a stranger. Might be a little uncomfortable.

Our faith journey, which lasts as long as we are alive, is similar. People of faith and conviction have often been targets for ridicule, snickering or nasty remarks. Sad, but true.

There is another old saying: "It's better to stay with the devil you know."

Not always, though.

Instead of looking for reasons to fail, fearing success because it's something new and different, maybe even uncomfortable, it's time to set that fear aside.

Be not afraid, Jesus told his disciples (and us), I will be right there with you every step of the way.

Take it one step at a time, know that you are not alone, and get acquainted with success.

Never do today ... wait, that's not right

Procrastination is the fine art of never taking on today what you can put off until tomorrow. I am a master procrastinator. How about you?

The trouble is, deadlines can pile up. Time flies. And once you're on the treadmill of always waiting until the last minute, well, it's hard to step off.

Scripture tells us not to worry about tomorrow, but that should not be taken as permission to procrastinate all the time. Why? Because Scripture also tells us that we should avoid anxiety and stress, and while procrastinating might seem like a good idea at the time, it leads to terrible anxiety as the deadline approaches, or worse, as several deadlines loom and seem to collide while you scramble to meet them all.

Procrastinating is not only a source of anxiety, it robs us of pleasure and the ability to think clearly.

When is that report due? Tomorrow? Uh-oh, no, it's due in a couple of hours, and I haven't even started writing it yet. And as I begin writing it, I realize that I need to get some information from someone else, and I have to get it now. Which means putting some pressure on someone else, who is either busy or unreachable in time to meet the deadline. And ultimately leads to hard feelings all around when it could be avoided by employing a little self-discipline and starting early enough to get it done.

Leaving for an appointment without allowing adequate time can lead to aggressive driving and other bad things, like road rage or a traffic citation for driving too fast, or worse, an accident. Again, all could be avoided by leaving five minutes earlier.

Procrastination can also lead to internal anxiety that affects your health, things like high blood pressure and sustained stress levels that weaken the immune system. Why create an unhealthy situation? Our bodies were not meant to live in a perpetual fight-or-flight state.

Most of all, procrastination can lead to an inability to find peace of mind, relaxation or quiet time. It's not the only thing that can rob us of the opportunity to regenerate spiritually and physically, but why abuse yourself this way?

That's a question I frequently ask myself, unfortunately. As I said, I am a master at procrastination, and it's not something I'm proud of.

God wants to give us peace of mind -- he wants to give YOU peace of mind, and ME peace of mind. But when we procrastinate, we rob ourselves of the chance to complete a task or fulfill an obligation on time, we often find that we don't do the best possible job in the end because we're rushing or feeling panicky, and we also give up the opportunity to get the most benefit from our actions. We may also affect the peace of mind of others who are affected by our inaction.

So don't do what I have done, do as I say ... wait, that's backward, but in this case, it's more a matter of learning from my mistakes.

Yes, I procrastinated and am writing this blog entry at the last possible moment. Almost. I could have waited until the 11th hour, but instead I've put it off until the morning before. Which is an improvement.

Give yourself and others a blessing by starting your tasks or trips early enough to avoid the problems that can arise from procrastination. If you are looking for a bad habit to give up for Lent and forever, this is a great one to tackle.

Not only will you find a little bit of Earthly peace of mind, you will also be better able to spend time with God, because you won't be living in a state of panic over everything.

Peace
Susan

Don't Wait

What would you do if Jesus appeared before you right now and said, "Follow me?"  Would you jump up and run after him, like Matthew the tax collector?  Or would you respond like this slacker, who said,  "Master, I am ready to follow you.  But first excuse me while I get things straightened out at home."  (Luke 9:61)

Procrastination can be a difficult challenge for many people.  A piece of practical advice I give my clients is one I often use myself.  If you have a particularly onerous task to do, set a timer for 15 minutes, with the promise you can stop once the timer goes off.  Then begin the task.  More often than not, once the fifteen minutes is up, you won't have a problem finishing what you started.

But cleaning the closet isn't quite the same as responding to God's call to discipleship.  For one thing, you will eventually get that closet done.  But, once you start being a disciple, it's just the opposite. You'll never finish what you started.

What's your favorite way to procrastinate?  Are you  a thrill-seeker, waiting for the rush that comes from waiting until the last minute?  Or do you just refuse to make a decision, thinking that absolves you from how events turn out?  Maybe you are plagued by fears of failure and worries about what others might think of you.  Maybe it's easier to let others think you simply lack the effort, rather than the ability.

Procrastination, simply put, is the act of delaying or postponing something.  Jesus confronted it with compassion many times during his ministry.  Whatever your procrastination style, I think Jesus has an answer for you:

If you're a thrill-seeker type, he would say, "As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me.  Night is coming, when no one can work." (John 9:4)  So ask God for a spirit of industry.

If you're afraid of failure, he would say, "Don't be afraid, little flock.  It gives your Father great happiness to give you the kingdom."  (Luke 12:32)  So ask God for a spirit of faith.

If you're indecisive, he would say, "You can't put God's kingdom off till tomorrow.  Seize the day." (Luke 9:62) So ask God for a spirit of courage.

Then, with faith, courage and industry, let us begin.  Because God doesn't want us to put off doing good for others.

Pax et Bonum,
Rose

Are You ANTsy Like Me?

The other day I was sitting on the couch with my husband John, reading a book.  He was, I thought, doing the same.  Suddenly, from his direction, I hear him say, "uh-huh."  I glance over to see he is nodding.  Just then, he gives a thumbs-up sign.  "John, who are you talking to over there," I ask. He responds, naturally, "Myself."

Talking to ourselves is natural.  We do it all the time, although not usually in a manner that others will notice.  I suppose, however, in the comfort of your own home you might not mind engaging in a more animated conversation with yourself.   That's certainly the case with John.  He debates politics with himself, problem solves plumbing problems and such out loud, chuckles at punchlines to private jokes, amazes himself with some inner revelation with an emphatic "Wow!"

I've grown used to these disconcerting one-sided dialogues, and comforted by the fact he swears he is only talking to himself!  Also, I've noticed, his thoughts are mostly positive.

Unlike me.  According to research we have about 50,000 thoughts a day.  Most of these are automatic.  Most of mine are negative.   They scurry around in my brain like an industrious colony of ants carrying little crumbs of misinformation I too often mistake as the truth.  You might say I suffer from ANTs:  Automatic Negative Thought syndrome.

Not that I don't have good reasons for bad thoughts, what with my background.  But what I've learned over the years is that "the war for a positive mind is fought on the battlefield of focus."  It's up to me to choose where I'll put my focus.  Will I put it on the ants?  Or will I put it on the truth?

Pilate asked Jesus once, "What is truth?"  Not realizing, I suppose, he was actually talking to the Truth.  Because truth is not an "it."  It's a living reality.  A warm, loving reality that wishes to befriend us, to walk by our sides, and encourage us.  If I talked to Jesus the way I talk to myself sometimes, I don't think I'd be his friend for long.  But he is my friend.  He only has words of comfort and encouragement for me.

You know, just to clarify...John doesn't only to himself.  He talks to me, too.  In fact, John has talked me out of the ant colony more than a few times during the course of our marriage.   Once, when going through a particularly pernicious depression, he had me read Norman Vincent Peale pamphlets every day.  Which, you know, is a grueling task when you're depressed.  But I stuck with it.  I knew I was turning the corner when I joked one day, "John, I must be the most positive thinking major depressive in America!"

Fortunately, that ant colony in my brain is only the fraction of the size it used to be.  I am grateful, indeed, for the pest controllers God has put in my life to help me get rid of them:  John, Norman Vincent Peale, the Bible, my friends.  And, of course, my best friend...Jesus.  Without him, I don't know where I'd be today.  Probably buried in an anthill!

Pax et Bonum,
Rose

Yes, I talk to myself and so do you

We all do it. We may not realize it, but we all talk to ourselves. Not out loud, most of the time,which is something to be thankful about, but we all have an inner voice that chatters most of the time. What do you say to yourself about you?

Perhaps your inner voice serves as a reality check: Whoa, there, you are not 16 years old anymore, take it easy! You might get there a couple of minutes sooner if you drive at 65 mph, but it will cost you; think about that gas gauge. You'd better get ready and get on the road so you won't be late.

Perhaps it helps you dream big dreams: Look, the lottery jackpot is big this week, you'd better buy one, just in case. If you start going to the gym, maybe you will look like the guy on the TV commercial. If you eat a salad for lunch every day, you can eat extra snacks and you'll still lose weight.

OK, those are not really the dreams you should be taking seriously. But still ... it's tempting,

But the point is, you constantly talk to yourself. What are you really saying? If your big dreams are limited to winning a lottery, misleading yourself about your eating habits or kidding yourself into believing you will look like a TV model who is 20 years younger than yourself just by going to the gym a couple of times a week, what are you saying about your own abilities, self-control, value or honesty with yourself?

More likely, that nagging inner voice is telling you that you will never be beautiful, so you might as well eat another Twinkie or Big Mac be cause it isn't going to matter in the long run, or that the only way you'll ever find true happiness is if you win a multimillion dollar lottery so you can buy whatever you want without worrying about where the money will come from, or that you should probably just use the money you would have spent on a gym membership to buy those jeans you've been admiring -- in the next size up.

And you know what? When you convince yourself that you will only find happiness in external things, if your inner voice begins to mirror the voices in the TV ads telling you happiness is just around the corner, but only if you hit the Saturday sale at the department store, buy a new couch or try the latest convenience food, it's really hard to embrace the things that God tells us lead to true happiness.

God has been telling mankind since, well, since Adam and Eve realized they were naked and vulnerable in the garden of Eden and began to cover themselves with fig leaves, that the only path to happiness is to love and trust in him. But it's hard to trust in him if you are constantly questioning your own self-worth or doubting that you will make the grade.

God tells us that we should share what we have without reservation, that we should separate ourselves from worldly baggage and focus on helping each other, on loving each other even when we do not like each other, and to see his face in one another's countenance. If you believe you are somehow damaged goods, it's hard to let go of yourself and help others, or even to really listen to others.

Inner voice: Don't even try to make dinner for someone else, because you are a lousy cook. You don't know your way around in the kitchen and if you try to cook a meal for guests, they will see right through your ruse.

Me to inner voice: Wait. Just shut up. I may not be a gourmet chef but I can put together a decent meal and offer hospitality and a meal to my friends. They'll appreciate it, and they aren't coming over to judge me anyhow. They are coming over to enjoy our company.

That's more like it.

Inner voice: Don't go out to the festival. You won't see anyone you know, you'll just be isolated and lonely. You could spend your time just watching TV or maybe on Facebook instead. Besides, you don't have anything to wear out that looks decent. And you can't risk being made fun of, even if you never know about it,. You know they'll be snickering as you walk by.

Me to inner voice: Don't be ridiculous. I have plenty of nice things to wear, and you know, several people you know will likely be at the festival. And if not, you can always just enjoy being out with people enjoying the event. Who knows? You might even meet a new friend or two. Or run into someone unexpected. You totally should go.

Inner voice: You won't have time to take advantage of that gum membership, don't even bother.

Me to inner voice: I'll just have to make time, then. I'm not getting any younger, you know. I need to get myself back into shape.

Inner Voice: You can't volunteer for that ministry. They don't really want you. If they did, they'd have asked you ages ago to get involved.

Me to inner voice: I"ve always wanted to do something meaningful for others. I'm going to take that first step and get involved.

See how it's done? I'm not saying that when your inner voice tells you it might be a bad idea to jump out of an airplane and hope the parachute opens, you should ignore it. Or if the inner voice tells you that a three-hour drive home from a concert when you have to get up at 5 a.m. the next morning, you might want to reconsider the trip, you should squash those doubts. But if you find yourself constantly avoiding involvement or activities that you've always wanted to try because your inner voice tells you you're not good enough, a little backtalk can be a good thing.

And occasionally getting outside your comfort zone is good emotional and spiritual exercise, as long as you are using common sense.

Spend a day on a Habitat for Humanity build, volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, get trained to be a lector or extraordinary minister of holy communion or join the choir. Host a dinner party even if the house isn't in perfect condition. Try a new recipe.

Most importantly, tell your inner voice that you need a little encouragement instead of constant negative talk. We seem to be hard-wired to criticize and complain, so that is what we do -- especially to ourselves. Then we feel bad, and compensate by criticizing others, which often makes us feel even worse.

In Sunday's reading, Moses is feeling discouraged. He tells God the Israelites are going to try to kill him if they don't find water to drink soon. What so you suppose his inner voice telling him? Moses, you are a fool. Why did you ever leave Egypt? What made you think you could lead these people to a promised land?

Yet he had the wherewithal to talk with God about it. And God gave him some pretty specific instructions, which he followed, with good results.

 Next time you find yourself talking to yourself about how incompetent, stupid or foolish you are, try praying to God about it. You might just get some insight into what you ought to be doing. Or at least some reassurance that you are OK, even if you got off-track a bit.

God loves you, he wants you to love your neighbors, and if he thinks you are good enough to do that, then who's telling you that you're unworthy?

Peace
Susan

Who's that you're criticizing?

People sure can get on your nerves sometimes, can't they? They ask stupid questions, have dumb ideas, do the most incredibly irritating things. And guess what? Other people think YOU ask stupid questions, have dumb ideas and do the most incredibly irritating things.

That's all normal stuff. Human stuff. You may not want to admit it sometimes, but these things happen. We get annoyed, irritated, even angry.

Here's something that gets to me, though: people who start telling you what other people intend, or why they think a certain way, or what their "secret" agenda is.

I am also annoyed by people who toss about generalities as if they applied to everyone the same way. You've heard it, and you're likely to hear it a lot this year, an election year: He's a Democrat, so he believes government should control every aspect of our lives. OR She's a Republican, so she is heartless and wants to take food out of the mouths of hungry poor children so the wealthy elite can have a little bit more to play around with.

We can never really know what someone else is thinking or intends to accomplish, at least, not beyond what they tell you. It's like that old smoking gun scenario: You happen upon Person A, who is leaning over Person B who is lying in a pool of blood. Person A is holding a smoking gun in his hand.

You know the drill. Did Person A just shoot Person B and kill him, or did he arrive on the scene moments before you did, and without thinking of consequences, pick up that gun to see if it had just been fired?

To criticize is to judge, to weigh the pros and cons and make an assessment, most often with a negative outcome. The word criticize rarely shows up in Scripture, perhaps because the word didn't exist until the mid-1600s. according to Webster's online.

Occasionally we hear that "the critics" loved a film or show, but most often it means the opposite, that problems were found, that it doesn't make the grade, isn't good enough.

But the word judge (the verb) does appear in Scripture, quite a lot as a matter of fact. And like criticize, it is mostly negative. We are warned not to judge others lest God judge us as harshly. We are told that only God can judge fairly, because he can see what is in our hearts, but we can only see what is on the outside.

When you think about it, it's pretty easy to see why judging others is not a great idea. We truly do not know what is in anyone else's heart. And we don't know all of the factors that go into what we see from the outside looking in.

But we are often our own harshest critics, and we have a much better idea what is in our own hearts, what we are feeling and what has been done to us. And while we all want mercy, or think we want mercy, from God and our friends, family members and colleagues, sometimes one of the hardest things to do is actually accept their mercy.

What gets in the way of accepting sincerely offered mercy? Pride, perhaps, as in the inability to accept anything from someone else (that old American rugged individualism). But perhaps it's something else. Maybe we do not feel worthy of what is being offered.

Criticizing others makes us feel better about ourselves because if we point out a particular fault in someone else, the implication is that we ourselves do not suffer from that weakness or transgression. Ergo, if we point out that someone else gossips all the time, why, people will realize that we do not ourselves gossip.

Wrong.

Before we can make anything right, we must recognize the problem.

During Lent, we hear a lot about sin and penance. But we also hear a lot about mercy, God's infinite mercy.

We all sin, every one of us. But if we repent, if we recognize that sin and are determined not to repeat it, we are forgiven. By God.

If God can forgive us, ask us to move on and leave that particular fault or sin behind, who are we to continue carrying it with us, allowing it to weigh us down, prevent us from becoming something we are intended to be?

If we constantly criticize whatever others do, are we really criticizing them, or are we covering up our own sense of inadequacy?

Judge not, lest ye also be so judged. And that could also mean criticize not, lest ye also be so criticized.

If we are to love others as we love ourselves, hadn't we better learn to love ourselves first?

Stop picking on yourself. Stop talking to yourself in negative, defensive or judgmental terms.

It helps a lot if you think about how Scripture tells us, in many ways and with many references througout the Bible, that as God the father as loved us, so we should love each other. And then Jesus clarified the commandments by explaining that the greatest commandment is twofold: Love God first, and love one another as you love yourself.

Self-love is a term often used in a negative way, too. It is used in reference to greed, self-centeredness and taking what we want without a thought for anyone else. Yet Jesus clearly said that we should love others AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. If you don't love yourself, how are you going to love others? Or God, for that matter.

Ask God to help you to stop criticizing yourself, and you may find that you are more forgiving of others, that you are less criticial of those around you and more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Giving up criticism of self and others for Lent is a good exercise that can make your life more fruitful in many and sometimes unexpected ways.

Peace
Susan

The Boomerang

                                                                                                                                                         Criticism is a sport at which my husband excels, but which I cannot abide.  So much so that for Lent he

offered to give up being critical...around me.  He knows how much I dislike criticism.  It upsets me no end, and makes me loooooong for an internet-free world, and a talk radio-free world, and a pundit-free world. It makes me long for heaven, and believe me, I thought I'd died and gone there when he told me what he planned to do for Forty.  Glorious.  Days.

But for John, offering his critical insights on everything from...well, on everything is as much fun as a game of table hockey.  So, you'll notice, he clearly reserved the option to cut loose whenever I'm not around.  That's fine with me.  As C.S. Lewis once said, "a heaven for mosquitoes and a hell for men could very conveniently be combined."  So let the mosquitoes gather where they will (probably at the local cigar lounge), just as long as I'm not there!

It's not that I believe all criticism is bad.  Constructive criticism can be highly useful--maybe even lifesaving--feedback to help me improve myself.  Almost daily I seek this kind of criticism from the Bible. "For the Word of God is alive and active, sharper than any double-edged sword.  It penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow.  It judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."  (Heb. 4:12)  Inviting that kind of criticism into my life leaves me feeling clean, albeit a tad uncomfortable with myself from time to time.  It's refreshing, renewing, and hopeful, offering solutions.

But when criticism is unedited, unfiltered and un-reflective, it is just the opposite.   It's like a jab in the eye with a sharp stick.  And in my opinion, that stick is quite often the plank jutting out of the eye of the one offering the criticism.  It leaves me feeling defensive, hurt and angry.  It leads me to joust with my own barb, fulfilling the words of Jesus: "Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults--unless, of course, you want the same treatment.  That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging."  (Matt 7:5, the Message)

I'd rather let mercy boomerang, wouldn't you?   Because what goes around comes around.

Pax et Bonum,
Rose

Failure: There are Worse Things to Fear

The fear of failure has been on my mind a lot recently since I decided to start a new business.  I haven't stopped my old business.  I just added something on, something I think could generate some additional passive income for me and my husband as we move towards retirement.

It is very daunting to start a new business at 57 years of age.  I try to tell myself many people have made their fortunes later in life.  Colonel Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken when he was 65, for instance.  Grandma Moses first art exhibition was held in a drugstore when she was 78 years old.

When I hear stories like that, I am very inspired.  I think to myself, "Gee, maybe I should wait until I'm 65!  Or even 78!"  Seriously.  I do think that.  Because starting a business at 57 is a lot of work, and I'm already tired.  Maybe by 65 I'll be rested up enough to really give it a go.

Honestly, though, I don't think I'm afraid of failure nearly as much as success.  Success could be even more daunting.  I could have more responsibilities and a super busy lifestyle, and a whole new set of problems.  How would I handle more money than I need?.  Do I want new, time consuming challenges to dominate my life?  Do I really need my life to be rich, rewarding and full of meaning?

Seriously, these crazy thoughts go through my head all the time.  My only comfort is knowing the future of my new business really doesn't matter..  What if I fail?  The opinion of only one person matters to me, and I know he doesn't care.  I know already what he would say to me. To paraphrase Matthew's gospel, "Don't lose your priceless soul for few lousy, extra bucks."

And if I succeed?

I recently read the story of a man who died.  Before he was resuscitated, he had a harrowing experience of being dragged into hell by beastly spirits.  Then, as a last ditch effort, this lifelong atheist called out to God.  Immediately, Jesus and his angels came.  They spoke for awhile, reviewing his life up until that moment.  Now, as it happened, this man was a very successful business man.  What amazed him was that neither Jesus nor the angels were impressed by his worldly acumen.  In fact, the only experience in his entire life that impressed them was a moment when he was a child of ten.  His sister was in her bedroom, crying.  He walked in, climbed on her bed, and wrapped his arms around her.  He stayed there until she calmed down.

 The rest of his accomplishments, apart from this, were so much chopped liver.

Pax et Bonum,
Rose

The only thing we have to fear is ...

In Scripture, the word "fear" is most often used in the context of fear of the Lord. But that is a good thing. Those who fear the Lord will receive all manner of blessings and good things, even elimination of fear. He who fears the Lord is afraid of nothing.

The fear I'm concerned about today about is different. It's not a good thing.

Fear, how do I fear thee? Let me count the ways.

I have failed to apply for promotions for fear of humiliation.

I have screwed up job interviews for fear of success, which is really fear of failure.

I've never been a good salesman, for fear of, well, failing.

I've missed all manner of opportunities, including jobs, making friends, experiencing new things for fear of discomfort, of looking foolish, of being alone.

And I've chosen the safe, well-traveled route rather than the road less-taken for fear of the unknown.

Basically, I've done all those things because I feared failure.

What if I get lost, rejected, turned down, ignored, humiliated, yelled at, found out to be the unqualified, inept klutz that I really am?

There was a time when I feared God, my parents, the future, the church, you name it.

Fear can paralyze, and fear of failure is at the root of so many fears and failures. Ironically. Yes, you can fail because you are afraid of failing.

Psalm 34 is one Scripture passage that talks about the kind of fear I am talking about.

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me,
delivered me from all my fears.
Look to him and be radiant,
and your faces may not blush for shame.
This poor one cried out and the Lord heard,
from all his distress he saved him.
The angels of the Lord encamps around
those who fear him, and he saves them."

I experienced this.

In my life, I have encountered such fear and it has gripped me on many levels.

Although I was raised Catholic as a young child, I had lived much of my young adult life in fear, and it kept me from realizing my potential, in my career, but more importantly in my personal life and relationships. And for all of that time, I also lived without attending church, without recognizing, acknowledging or appreciating the presence of God in my life or in the world around me.

I caught glimpses of God during that time. I recall a woman who was a coworker at a now-defunct department store. Some people make me uncomfortable with the way they constantly trumpet their Christianity, verbally anyhow, but this woman, a devout Christian (I never knew what denomination), lived her faith rather than try to convince everyone else of it. And at a time when my husband and I were raising two very young boys and had decided we should attend a church with them, somewhere, a few things happened in rapid succession that brought me back where I belonged, to the Catholic Church.

During that whole desert period when I had no anchor, no church, no conscious faith, I had often referred to myself as a former Catholic, but I really had no idea that once gone, you could go back. Then my husband's uncle died. Uncle Eddie lived near Wilmington, and we went dutifully to his funeral, which was held at St. John the Beloved parish. It was, it turned out, my husband's very first time ever entering a Catholic church. When we came out, I realized how little he knew when he asked me if the "R" in "RC Church" on the sign in front stood for "royal." But he was quite taken with it, and not long after that, I got a new job at the local newspaper. The person I was replacing was an older woman who was retiring, and she, it turned out, was a Catholic who attended St. Francis de Sales, my former parish (the only one in my hometown, actually). She was another one of those people who just lived her faith in such a special way that you were drawn to her, to the peace that surrounded her like an aura.

She told me that there was a program for people who wanted to join the church. So I wrote a letter to the pastor inquiring. I got no response. But then, month or two later, we saw a small ad in the newspaper that said a meeting would be held on a certain evening for anyone interested in learning more about the Catholic faith. We went to that meeting. We were the only people who showed up for that meeting, actually.

We went through the process, called RCIA, for two years before we were finally accepted as full, functioning members of the church. That was in 1992. That same year, two years after the fact, the pastor (our pastor now) apologized because he had just found our letter of inquiry under a pile of papers on his desk. We all make mistakes.

It wasn't long after we started in that process that things started changing for me. I stopped always worrying about what others thought of me. I even stopped worrying about me to a large extent, period. My telephone manner at work improved, because instead of bracing to be yelled at for something that wasn't my fault, I found I could listen better to the caller and sincerely try to figure out how to help. I had a deeper desire to help others in all aspects of life. Previously, I had feared to offer help for fear of ... yep, failure. What if I cooked something for a guest and it wasn't good? What if I offered to help with something and then couldn't deliver?

But gradually, those fears evaporated. And so I was saved from my fears, and I know it was my growing faith that pushed away those fears.

We all deal with fears in different ways, and we all conduct our relationships with God in different ways. I do not, at this point in my life, spend a lot of time alone in quiet prayer. I like to try to do that during Lent, but this blog has been my best shot at that. It makes me think about things, and I can only write this when I'm alone and the house is quiet.

I used to feel bad about it, but now I realize that I am in a different kind of relationship with God. I know he is near, I can sense his presence when I am paying attention. I am so much less afraid these days, I am living life in a richer way as a result.

One of my favorite hymns is "Hosea." It is so welcoming, so forgiving, so comforting. "Come back to me, with all your heart. Don't let fear keep us apart." How many relationships have you allowed fear to tear apart? "Long have I waited for your coming back to me and living deeply our new life." Mending relationships with others helps us overcome fear of failure, and it also helps us mend our relationship with God. Leave your gift at the altar, God said, and set things right with your brother.

And don't let fear stop you. No matter the outcome, making a sincere effort is not failure. So pray, and when you feel sincerely ready, go. You will not fail.

Peace,
Susan

Nowhere a Discouraging Word?

Here's an assignment for you: Try to find an example of negative thinking in Scripture. You know, the "it doesn't matter what I do, I can't win" sort of thing. The "if I give an inch they'll take a mile" variety of thought. The "if we give away benefits, people who shouldn't get them will cheat and get them" kind of thinking. And the "nobody appreciates anything I do, so why bother" attitude.

Jesus never looked for reasons to avoid doing unpleasant things. Even in the Garden of Gethsemane, when he knew that he would soon be beaten and tortured and hung on a cross to die by the very ungrateful people had been sent to save, he asked God to take it away from him, but only if that was his father's will. It wasn't, and he accepted it.

This prayer is attributed to Mother Teresa of Calcutta, and it spells out for us a very positive way to handle negative thinking when we encounter it:

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

"If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

"If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

"If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

"What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

"If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

"The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway,

"Give the best you have and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

"In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

In any event, this makes it quite clear, and correctly so, that being true to yourself does not have to be selfish at all. Being true to yourself means, on a spiritual level, doing what you know to be the right thing even when it doesn't make sense in any logical or visible way.

It also spells out the kind of negative thinking that gets in the way or our spiritual growth. All of them are focused on what other people think, say or do: Don't succeed. Don't be kind. Don't be honest or sincere. Don't seek out serenity or happiness. People will forget the good you do. People will never appreciate what you do. People are unreasonable, irrational and self-centered. 

Can you give up negative thinking for Lent? Why not? You still may not succeed, be kind all the time, always be honest or find serenity or happiness. People may not remember the good things you've done or appreciate what you do. 

So think about this: Why do you do the things you do? If you only do them to be noticed by other people, you will be disappointed. If you only do them for praise from others, you will not feel appreciated. 

In fact, according to the Gospel of Matthew, 6:5, Jesus said:

"When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners so that others may see them. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, to to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your father who sees in secret will repay you."

Same idea with your motivations. Do what you do because you know it's the right thing to do. Don't look to others for reasons NOT to do the right thing. And you may just find that those negative thoughts are no longer keeping you from being happy and fulfilled. 

Peace on your Lenten journey

Susan

Love has Come for Us All

Years ago, I used to hang out at All Saints Convent in Catonsville, Maryland.  The Convent had a beautiful scriptorium full of holy cards that were hand painted by the sisters.  Each card had a picture and a saying.  It may be a scripture, or something wise and uplifting said by a holy person.

One card in particular stood out to me.  In it a little boy is kneeling on the ground.  He seems to be gathering flowers into a little bouquet.  From the message, you can read his intent:  "Go; nothing is better for the soul than to make another soul less sad."  

As a dysthymic, I am well acquainted with the problem of negative thinking.  My mind can be a weed patch overgrown with negative thoughts, rather than a garden blooming with flowers of peace, love and joy.  I also know, as an introvert, that the worst possible thing I can do for myself is to try to weed my own patch.  To paraphrase Jesus' warning about not sweeping the house clean just so it can be possessed by seven more devils, I've learned that if I tear up one weedy thought hastily and without care, ten more are likely to grab its place.

Over the years, however, I have discovered two important tools to help free me from the tyranny of the mind bent on its own destruction.  One is Adoration.

Adoration, or sitting quietly before the Blessed Sacrament, first and foremost offers me the opportunity to know I am not alone with my thoughts, no matter how painful they may be.  Just as Jesus asked his disciples to watch with him during his hour of suffering, in Adoration, he is watching with me.

In addition, it allows me the chance to let negative thoughts simply come and go.  I've used different visuals to help me in that process, one for each of the four seasons:  

• In the winter, my thoughts are snowflakes that disappear in a roaring campfire
• In the spring, my thoughts are bits of pollen carried away by birds, bees and butterflies to far distant fields where they can't bother me.
• In the summer, they are ripe dandelions, sending their fluff up into the air and away, away.
• In the fall, they are dry, brown leaves falling to earth, becoming one with it as they decay.

Each of these images helps me to remember how impermanent are my thoughts.  It gives me a moment to realize I can live without them.  I don't have to worry, be angry, obsess, daydream, live in the future, live in the past.

Lastly, it teaches me that in the absences of my self-absorbed thoughts, I can open myself to God's thoughts for me.

I've alluded already to the other tool.  Get the hell out of dodge, to paraphrase Pascal.  In other words, service.  Go weed someone else's patch.  Comfort the sick.  Visit the prisoner.  Clothe the naked.  Feed the poor.  

For one blessed second, forget yourself and preach the good news.  God is Love.  Love has come for us all.  

When you preach that message, whether in deeds or in words, you help others let go of the worst negative thought any one of us can ever think:  "No one cares for me."   

Instead, they'll say, "Thanks for thinking of me."  

Pax et Bonum,

Rose

Self Doubt

I think of self-doubt being like the Chinese finger trap.  Although in my imagination, it’s my feet caught in the trap, not my fingers.  In reality, it’s actually my mind caught in the trap of action-paralyzing thoughts.

Can I trust myself?  Will I follow through?  Am I for real?  Do I really mean it?  Can I do it?

Questions like these can keep me from taking a single step towards my goals, whatever they might be.  But look what happens when I simply change a question into a statement:

I can trust myself.

I will follow through.

I am for real.

I really mean it.

I can do it.

I suddenly feel more self-empowered.  I believe in myself, even if only an eensy-teensy bit.  Say, who is that Wonder Woman in the mirror, I find myself asking.

I wonder if believing in yourself is one of the lessons Jesus hoped his disciples would learn when he told them the parable of the ten talents:

 “It’s also like a man going off on an extended trip. He called his servants together and delegated responsibilities. To one he gave five thousand dollars, to another two thousand, to a third one thousand, depending on their abilities. Then he left. Right off, the first servant went to work and doubled his master’s investment. The second did the same. But the man with the single thousand dug a hole and carefully buried his master’s money.

 “After a long absence, the master of those three servants came back and settled up with them. The one given five thousand dollars showed him how he had doubled his investment. His master commended him: ‘Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.’

 “The servant with the two thousand showed how he also had doubled his master’s investment. His master commended him: ‘Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.’

“The servant given one thousand said, ‘Master, I know you have high standards and hate careless ways, that you demand the best and make no allowances for error. I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money. Here it is, safe and sound down to the last cent.’

“The master was furious. ‘That’s a terrible way to live! It’s criminal to live cautiously like that! If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least? The least you could have done would have been to invest the sum with the bankers, where at least I would have gotten a little interest.

 “‘Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this “play-it-safe” who won’t go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness.’

Fortunately, I don’t identify with the play-it-safe guy.  On the other hand, I don’t see myself as  a shrewd and talented investor in the Game of Life.  I guess I’m somewhere in between.  But I am reassured that Jesus likes the person who takes a risk, who goes out on a limb, the one who is scared he will fail, and maybe just as afraid he’ll succeed. 

I guess it’s normal to be all over the map, right?  One day you’re applying all your skill to realizing the kingdom of God.  Another day you’re searching for the lucky slot machine that’ll make having to trust God for your daily bread a thing of the past.  Another, you’re playing Words With Friends on your Boyfriend (my husband John’s nickname for my phone) all day, wishing God would just get back from that damn business trip.  Then you’re back to “thy kingdom come!” 

Well, no matter where you are on the cycle this Lent, remember that God believes in you.  Just like this little girl believes in herself.

Pax et Bonum,

Rose

Hello, it's Lent. What are you giving up this year?

Ash Wednesday always seems to catch me off-guard, no matter how much I've thought about it and regardless of what I see on the calendar. It's like waiting in line to ride a roller coaster, and Ash Wednesday is when you step off the terminal and strap yourself into the seat. Suddenly you're full into Lent and you can't get off until the ride is over, which of course happens on Palm Sunday and Holy Week, culminating with Easter celebrations. So you've thought about what to give up for Lent? What might that be? The most popular answer seems to be chocolate. It's the fallback thing to give up when you haven't really thought much about it. It's trendy, it's traditional, it's the easy answer.I love chocolate as much as the next person, but I try to come up with something to do for Lent that is more spiritually rewarding than lusting after chocolate for six weeks. So what do you love as much as chocolate (well, almost) that would become meaningful for the next month and a half? How about giving up some of your bad habits, the ones that you hold nearest and dearest? One year I gave up road rage, and surprisingly, it stuck, sort of. I am much calmer now when I drive, and I don't call other drivers nasty names under my breath anymore. I do tense up sometimes, or bang my arm on the steering wheel, but basically, I've let it go, and when I forget, it's much easier to say, "Self, you gain nothing by getting all in a lather over what that driver is doing. Chill." Another year I decided to give up grudges. That's still a work in progress. But at least I am trying.This year, a meme was going around on Facebook that was a list of things to stop doing, and unlike most memes, it contained some worthwhile suggestions. In fact, all were items most of us would be hard-pressed to let go of, but doing so would most likely bring all of us a measure of inner peace and goodwill toward others.So this Lent, I am going to try to give up a whole list of bad habits, and Rose and I will be reflecting on a couple of them each week. It will be interesting to see how we each approach the topics. Full disclosure: We are NOT reading each other's posts before they're published. We will each write about every topic, but we're not collaborating. We will see one another's answers only after we've both written on the topic, and we won't be changing our posts in response. 

Topic No. 1 Doubting Yourself

This bad habit can undermine the best-laid plans of humanity. Am I good enough?  What if make a fool of myself?What if other people know more about it than I do?What if my skills fall short?What if I'm the only one wearing jeans (or a little black dress) to the party?What if ... you fill in the blank.What has this to do with spirituality, faith and Lent?According to Matthew, 22:35-39, this conversation took place between the Pharisees and Jesus:“Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?”(Jesus) said to him, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind."This is the greatest and the first commandment."The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
If you doubt your worthiness, then how do you love yourself? Is it a conditional love, as in "I love myself but only if I bowl a 200 game, only if I meet every deadline in my life, only if I never give in to temptation, only if I never get angry with my spouse, only if I never sing off-key, only if I am always appropriately dressed for the occasion, only if (you fill in the blank)?
If we are to love others as we love ourselves, do we only love others when they are worthy in every way, when they look good, are in a good mood, say yes when asked to do something, arrive on time, finish the job, meet every expectation? If we hold ourselves to such high standards for love-ability, and if we love others as we love ourselves, well, that's just setting ourselves up for failure. Every time. And setting up our friends and loved ones for failure.
Oddly, I heard a beautiful quote at a presentation I attended last night by an alternative farmer and author of eight (nine?) books on the importance of farming and caring for the Earth. He did not invoke religion at all, but he said this (and it seems relevant to me): 
You may have been told by a parent, grandparent or teacher, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. But I say if it's worth doing, it's worth doing wrong the first time. 
That's right. Because how do we grow and learn if we do everything perfectly the first time and every time? That means staying well inside your comfort zone. But growth requires risk-taking, and that includes spiritual growth, too. You have to establish a comfort zone, and then you absolutely must step outside of it if you are going to grow in your faith.
This Lent, consider giving up the habit of doubting yourself. It's a real feeling, so acknowledge it, then move past it and take some risks. You forgot your spouse's birthday? Oops. Make up for it, write it down for next year and move along. You missed an appointment? Reschedule, and don't miss it again. You didn't see the "casual attire" on the invitation and showed up in a suit or dress and heels? Just laugh it off. And pay attention next time. 
We all fail, we all forget, we all make mistakes or misunderstand. Instead of doubting yourself, forgive yourself and do what you can to avoid repeating it. And love others in the same way by forgiving them when they fall short of expectations.
May the peace of Christ be with you.
Susan