Self Doubt

I think of self-doubt being like the Chinese finger trap.  Although in my imagination, it’s my feet caught in the trap, not my fingers.  In reality, it’s actually my mind caught in the trap of action-paralyzing thoughts.

Can I trust myself?  Will I follow through?  Am I for real?  Do I really mean it?  Can I do it?

Questions like these can keep me from taking a single step towards my goals, whatever they might be.  But look what happens when I simply change a question into a statement:

I can trust myself.

I will follow through.

I am for real.

I really mean it.

I can do it.

I suddenly feel more self-empowered.  I believe in myself, even if only an eensy-teensy bit.  Say, who is that Wonder Woman in the mirror, I find myself asking.

I wonder if believing in yourself is one of the lessons Jesus hoped his disciples would learn when he told them the parable of the ten talents:

 “It’s also like a man going off on an extended trip. He called his servants together and delegated responsibilities. To one he gave five thousand dollars, to another two thousand, to a third one thousand, depending on their abilities. Then he left. Right off, the first servant went to work and doubled his master’s investment. The second did the same. But the man with the single thousand dug a hole and carefully buried his master’s money.

 “After a long absence, the master of those three servants came back and settled up with them. The one given five thousand dollars showed him how he had doubled his investment. His master commended him: ‘Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.’

 “The servant with the two thousand showed how he also had doubled his master’s investment. His master commended him: ‘Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.’

“The servant given one thousand said, ‘Master, I know you have high standards and hate careless ways, that you demand the best and make no allowances for error. I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money. Here it is, safe and sound down to the last cent.’

“The master was furious. ‘That’s a terrible way to live! It’s criminal to live cautiously like that! If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least? The least you could have done would have been to invest the sum with the bankers, where at least I would have gotten a little interest.

 “‘Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this “play-it-safe” who won’t go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness.’

Fortunately, I don’t identify with the play-it-safe guy.  On the other hand, I don’t see myself as  a shrewd and talented investor in the Game of Life.  I guess I’m somewhere in between.  But I am reassured that Jesus likes the person who takes a risk, who goes out on a limb, the one who is scared he will fail, and maybe just as afraid he’ll succeed. 

I guess it’s normal to be all over the map, right?  One day you’re applying all your skill to realizing the kingdom of God.  Another day you’re searching for the lucky slot machine that’ll make having to trust God for your daily bread a thing of the past.  Another, you’re playing Words With Friends on your Boyfriend (my husband John’s nickname for my phone) all day, wishing God would just get back from that damn business trip.  Then you’re back to “thy kingdom come!” 

Well, no matter where you are on the cycle this Lent, remember that God believes in you.  Just like this little girl believes in herself.

Pax et Bonum,

Rose