We all do it. We may not realize it, but we all talk to ourselves. Not out loud, most of the time,which is something to be thankful about, but we all have an inner voice that chatters most of the time. What do you say to yourself about you?
Perhaps your inner voice serves as a reality check: Whoa, there, you are not 16 years old anymore, take it easy! You might get there a couple of minutes sooner if you drive at 65 mph, but it will cost you; think about that gas gauge. You'd better get ready and get on the road so you won't be late.
Perhaps it helps you dream big dreams: Look, the lottery jackpot is big this week, you'd better buy one, just in case. If you start going to the gym, maybe you will look like the guy on the TV commercial. If you eat a salad for lunch every day, you can eat extra snacks and you'll still lose weight.
OK, those are not really the dreams you should be taking seriously. But still ... it's tempting,
But the point is, you constantly talk to yourself. What are you really saying? If your big dreams are limited to winning a lottery, misleading yourself about your eating habits or kidding yourself into believing you will look like a TV model who is 20 years younger than yourself just by going to the gym a couple of times a week, what are you saying about your own abilities, self-control, value or honesty with yourself?
More likely, that nagging inner voice is telling you that you will never be beautiful, so you might as well eat another Twinkie or Big Mac be cause it isn't going to matter in the long run, or that the only way you'll ever find true happiness is if you win a multimillion dollar lottery so you can buy whatever you want without worrying about where the money will come from, or that you should probably just use the money you would have spent on a gym membership to buy those jeans you've been admiring -- in the next size up.
And you know what? When you convince yourself that you will only find happiness in external things, if your inner voice begins to mirror the voices in the TV ads telling you happiness is just around the corner, but only if you hit the Saturday sale at the department store, buy a new couch or try the latest convenience food, it's really hard to embrace the things that God tells us lead to true happiness.
God has been telling mankind since, well, since Adam and Eve realized they were naked and vulnerable in the garden of Eden and began to cover themselves with fig leaves, that the only path to happiness is to love and trust in him. But it's hard to trust in him if you are constantly questioning your own self-worth or doubting that you will make the grade.
God tells us that we should share what we have without reservation, that we should separate ourselves from worldly baggage and focus on helping each other, on loving each other even when we do not like each other, and to see his face in one another's countenance. If you believe you are somehow damaged goods, it's hard to let go of yourself and help others, or even to really listen to others.
Inner voice: Don't even try to make dinner for someone else, because you are a lousy cook. You don't know your way around in the kitchen and if you try to cook a meal for guests, they will see right through your ruse.
Me to inner voice: Wait. Just shut up. I may not be a gourmet chef but I can put together a decent meal and offer hospitality and a meal to my friends. They'll appreciate it, and they aren't coming over to judge me anyhow. They are coming over to enjoy our company.
That's more like it.
Inner voice: Don't go out to the festival. You won't see anyone you know, you'll just be isolated and lonely. You could spend your time just watching TV or maybe on Facebook instead. Besides, you don't have anything to wear out that looks decent. And you can't risk being made fun of, even if you never know about it,. You know they'll be snickering as you walk by.
Me to inner voice: Don't be ridiculous. I have plenty of nice things to wear, and you know, several people you know will likely be at the festival. And if not, you can always just enjoy being out with people enjoying the event. Who knows? You might even meet a new friend or two. Or run into someone unexpected. You totally should go.
Inner voice: You won't have time to take advantage of that gum membership, don't even bother.
Me to inner voice: I'll just have to make time, then. I'm not getting any younger, you know. I need to get myself back into shape.
Inner Voice: You can't volunteer for that ministry. They don't really want you. If they did, they'd have asked you ages ago to get involved.
Me to inner voice: I"ve always wanted to do something meaningful for others. I'm going to take that first step and get involved.
See how it's done? I'm not saying that when your inner voice tells you it might be a bad idea to jump out of an airplane and hope the parachute opens, you should ignore it. Or if the inner voice tells you that a three-hour drive home from a concert when you have to get up at 5 a.m. the next morning, you might want to reconsider the trip, you should squash those doubts. But if you find yourself constantly avoiding involvement or activities that you've always wanted to try because your inner voice tells you you're not good enough, a little backtalk can be a good thing.
And occasionally getting outside your comfort zone is good emotional and spiritual exercise, as long as you are using common sense.
Spend a day on a Habitat for Humanity build, volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, get trained to be a lector or extraordinary minister of holy communion or join the choir. Host a dinner party even if the house isn't in perfect condition. Try a new recipe.
Most importantly, tell your inner voice that you need a little encouragement instead of constant negative talk. We seem to be hard-wired to criticize and complain, so that is what we do -- especially to ourselves. Then we feel bad, and compensate by criticizing others, which often makes us feel even worse.
In Sunday's reading, Moses is feeling discouraged. He tells God the Israelites are going to try to kill him if they don't find water to drink soon. What so you suppose his inner voice telling him? Moses, you are a fool. Why did you ever leave Egypt? What made you think you could lead these people to a promised land?
Yet he had the wherewithal to talk with God about it. And God gave him some pretty specific instructions, which he followed, with good results.
Next time you find yourself talking to yourself about how incompetent, stupid or foolish you are, try praying to God about it. You might just get some insight into what you ought to be doing. Or at least some reassurance that you are OK, even if you got off-track a bit.
God loves you, he wants you to love your neighbors, and if he thinks you are good enough to do that, then who's telling you that you're unworthy?
Peace
Susan
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