Live, Give & Forgive

These are my reflections on Chapters Ten, Eleven & Twelve of Rediscover Jesus by Matthew Kelly.

Are you loving yourself the way God wants you to love yourself?

A part of me hates this question. I immediately flash on an entire self-help industry dedicated to improving my self-esteem and empowering me to live a very big life by focusing on myself. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for healthy self-esteem. I want to get the most of my life. But in order to answer this question properly, I need to focus on the last half of it:

“…the way God wants you to love yourself…”

How does God want me to love myself? I have to put this question into the context of the two great commandments Jesus emphasized: 

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:34-40)”

He didn’t add a third commandment. He didn’t say, “You must go into therapy in order to learn to love yourself before you love your neighbor.” He seemed to take it for granted that we love ourselves. So, what I conclude from this is, to love God is to love myself. The more I love God, the more I’ll love myself.

The analogy that comes to mind is sun bathing. If I bask in the sun, I’ll get tan. If I bask in the presence of God, I’ll reflect that influence. I’ll just start naturally acting like Jesus…loved, loving and lovable.

So I ask myself, how did Jesus love himself? Well, to make it short and snappy. He prayed and he served.

That being said, the question for me is, “Rose, are you loving yourself through prayer and service?”

The answer is yes. Although there are days I’d like to be praying in a spa and serving myself another glass of wine.

Thank you, God, that we practice loving ourselves when we love you and serve others. Amen

How is God inviting you to become more generous?

Eight years ago, I started getting the message it was time to start giving back. I began by volunteering to be a lector at my parish. I joined the choir, too. I started co-leading Kid’s Liturgy. A few years later, I began volunteering at a hospital, offering Reiki sessions to cancer survivors. A few years after that, I became a friend of the L’Arche Chicago folks. I hang out with them several times a month, and I’ve helped organize a ministry to them through our parish and outreach center. I even got John and myself to get our act together as regards to tithing.

Not content to give back at church, last year I joined the local Chamber of Commerce. I am a member of our health and wellness committee, and the chair of the Chamber Health & Wellness Speakers Series.

Not to mention, I am the primary caretaker for my 90-something mother.

Now I’m getting another message. It goes something like this: “Let’s go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile.” These are Jesus’ words to his hard-working disciples.  In effect, he was saying that even when you are out to save the world, take time to be generous to yourselves. Or you’ll burn out before you’re done with your mission.

I used to be much better at spiritual self-care. I took long weekend retreats four times a year at a local convent, nurturing myself on prayer, long walks and extra naps. For some reason, that hasn’t come as easily to me. But this Lent, I’m reminded of the old saying, “generosity begins at home.” And I’m recommitting to those quarterly retreats.

God, I am grateful for your Son’s work ethic, which included times of rest, prayer and play. Help me never lose that rhythm in my life.

How seriously do you take Jesus’ invitation to forgive?

Yesterday I was talking to my husband about this question. “Honestly,” I said, “I think forgiveness is a survival skill.” He nodded his head vigorously. After twenty years of marriage, I think we’ve both learned that without forgiveness, we couldn’t have lasted.

That’s not a very high and holy reason to take Jesus’ invitation seriously. But it’s practical, and lots of Jesus’ advice was practical.  So I don’t think he minds that I may forgive just as much to keep my blood pressure down as to bring about the Kingdom of God. In the end, I suppose, it’s all one and the same.

Jesus, give me the grace to forgive as you have forgiven me. Without it, I'll never survive.

Who's that you're criticizing?

People sure can get on your nerves sometimes, can't they? They ask stupid questions, have dumb ideas, do the most incredibly irritating things. And guess what? Other people think YOU ask stupid questions, have dumb ideas and do the most incredibly irritating things.

That's all normal stuff. Human stuff. You may not want to admit it sometimes, but these things happen. We get annoyed, irritated, even angry.

Here's something that gets to me, though: people who start telling you what other people intend, or why they think a certain way, or what their "secret" agenda is.

I am also annoyed by people who toss about generalities as if they applied to everyone the same way. You've heard it, and you're likely to hear it a lot this year, an election year: He's a Democrat, so he believes government should control every aspect of our lives. OR She's a Republican, so she is heartless and wants to take food out of the mouths of hungry poor children so the wealthy elite can have a little bit more to play around with.

We can never really know what someone else is thinking or intends to accomplish, at least, not beyond what they tell you. It's like that old smoking gun scenario: You happen upon Person A, who is leaning over Person B who is lying in a pool of blood. Person A is holding a smoking gun in his hand.

You know the drill. Did Person A just shoot Person B and kill him, or did he arrive on the scene moments before you did, and without thinking of consequences, pick up that gun to see if it had just been fired?

To criticize is to judge, to weigh the pros and cons and make an assessment, most often with a negative outcome. The word criticize rarely shows up in Scripture, perhaps because the word didn't exist until the mid-1600s. according to Webster's online.

Occasionally we hear that "the critics" loved a film or show, but most often it means the opposite, that problems were found, that it doesn't make the grade, isn't good enough.

But the word judge (the verb) does appear in Scripture, quite a lot as a matter of fact. And like criticize, it is mostly negative. We are warned not to judge others lest God judge us as harshly. We are told that only God can judge fairly, because he can see what is in our hearts, but we can only see what is on the outside.

When you think about it, it's pretty easy to see why judging others is not a great idea. We truly do not know what is in anyone else's heart. And we don't know all of the factors that go into what we see from the outside looking in.

But we are often our own harshest critics, and we have a much better idea what is in our own hearts, what we are feeling and what has been done to us. And while we all want mercy, or think we want mercy, from God and our friends, family members and colleagues, sometimes one of the hardest things to do is actually accept their mercy.

What gets in the way of accepting sincerely offered mercy? Pride, perhaps, as in the inability to accept anything from someone else (that old American rugged individualism). But perhaps it's something else. Maybe we do not feel worthy of what is being offered.

Criticizing others makes us feel better about ourselves because if we point out a particular fault in someone else, the implication is that we ourselves do not suffer from that weakness or transgression. Ergo, if we point out that someone else gossips all the time, why, people will realize that we do not ourselves gossip.

Wrong.

Before we can make anything right, we must recognize the problem.

During Lent, we hear a lot about sin and penance. But we also hear a lot about mercy, God's infinite mercy.

We all sin, every one of us. But if we repent, if we recognize that sin and are determined not to repeat it, we are forgiven. By God.

If God can forgive us, ask us to move on and leave that particular fault or sin behind, who are we to continue carrying it with us, allowing it to weigh us down, prevent us from becoming something we are intended to be?

If we constantly criticize whatever others do, are we really criticizing them, or are we covering up our own sense of inadequacy?

Judge not, lest ye also be so judged. And that could also mean criticize not, lest ye also be so criticized.

If we are to love others as we love ourselves, hadn't we better learn to love ourselves first?

Stop picking on yourself. Stop talking to yourself in negative, defensive or judgmental terms.

It helps a lot if you think about how Scripture tells us, in many ways and with many references througout the Bible, that as God the father as loved us, so we should love each other. And then Jesus clarified the commandments by explaining that the greatest commandment is twofold: Love God first, and love one another as you love yourself.

Self-love is a term often used in a negative way, too. It is used in reference to greed, self-centeredness and taking what we want without a thought for anyone else. Yet Jesus clearly said that we should love others AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. If you don't love yourself, how are you going to love others? Or God, for that matter.

Ask God to help you to stop criticizing yourself, and you may find that you are more forgiving of others, that you are less criticial of those around you and more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Giving up criticism of self and others for Lent is a good exercise that can make your life more fruitful in many and sometimes unexpected ways.

Peace
Susan

Hello, it's Lent. What are you giving up this year?

Ash Wednesday always seems to catch me off-guard, no matter how much I've thought about it and regardless of what I see on the calendar. It's like waiting in line to ride a roller coaster, and Ash Wednesday is when you step off the terminal and strap yourself into the seat. Suddenly you're full into Lent and you can't get off until the ride is over, which of course happens on Palm Sunday and Holy Week, culminating with Easter celebrations. So you've thought about what to give up for Lent? What might that be? The most popular answer seems to be chocolate. It's the fallback thing to give up when you haven't really thought much about it. It's trendy, it's traditional, it's the easy answer.I love chocolate as much as the next person, but I try to come up with something to do for Lent that is more spiritually rewarding than lusting after chocolate for six weeks. So what do you love as much as chocolate (well, almost) that would become meaningful for the next month and a half? How about giving up some of your bad habits, the ones that you hold nearest and dearest? One year I gave up road rage, and surprisingly, it stuck, sort of. I am much calmer now when I drive, and I don't call other drivers nasty names under my breath anymore. I do tense up sometimes, or bang my arm on the steering wheel, but basically, I've let it go, and when I forget, it's much easier to say, "Self, you gain nothing by getting all in a lather over what that driver is doing. Chill." Another year I decided to give up grudges. That's still a work in progress. But at least I am trying.This year, a meme was going around on Facebook that was a list of things to stop doing, and unlike most memes, it contained some worthwhile suggestions. In fact, all were items most of us would be hard-pressed to let go of, but doing so would most likely bring all of us a measure of inner peace and goodwill toward others.So this Lent, I am going to try to give up a whole list of bad habits, and Rose and I will be reflecting on a couple of them each week. It will be interesting to see how we each approach the topics. Full disclosure: We are NOT reading each other's posts before they're published. We will each write about every topic, but we're not collaborating. We will see one another's answers only after we've both written on the topic, and we won't be changing our posts in response. 

Topic No. 1 Doubting Yourself

This bad habit can undermine the best-laid plans of humanity. Am I good enough?  What if make a fool of myself?What if other people know more about it than I do?What if my skills fall short?What if I'm the only one wearing jeans (or a little black dress) to the party?What if ... you fill in the blank.What has this to do with spirituality, faith and Lent?According to Matthew, 22:35-39, this conversation took place between the Pharisees and Jesus:“Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?”(Jesus) said to him, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind."This is the greatest and the first commandment."The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
If you doubt your worthiness, then how do you love yourself? Is it a conditional love, as in "I love myself but only if I bowl a 200 game, only if I meet every deadline in my life, only if I never give in to temptation, only if I never get angry with my spouse, only if I never sing off-key, only if I am always appropriately dressed for the occasion, only if (you fill in the blank)?
If we are to love others as we love ourselves, do we only love others when they are worthy in every way, when they look good, are in a good mood, say yes when asked to do something, arrive on time, finish the job, meet every expectation? If we hold ourselves to such high standards for love-ability, and if we love others as we love ourselves, well, that's just setting ourselves up for failure. Every time. And setting up our friends and loved ones for failure.
Oddly, I heard a beautiful quote at a presentation I attended last night by an alternative farmer and author of eight (nine?) books on the importance of farming and caring for the Earth. He did not invoke religion at all, but he said this (and it seems relevant to me): 
You may have been told by a parent, grandparent or teacher, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. But I say if it's worth doing, it's worth doing wrong the first time. 
That's right. Because how do we grow and learn if we do everything perfectly the first time and every time? That means staying well inside your comfort zone. But growth requires risk-taking, and that includes spiritual growth, too. You have to establish a comfort zone, and then you absolutely must step outside of it if you are going to grow in your faith.
This Lent, consider giving up the habit of doubting yourself. It's a real feeling, so acknowledge it, then move past it and take some risks. You forgot your spouse's birthday? Oops. Make up for it, write it down for next year and move along. You missed an appointment? Reschedule, and don't miss it again. You didn't see the "casual attire" on the invitation and showed up in a suit or dress and heels? Just laugh it off. And pay attention next time. 
We all fail, we all forget, we all make mistakes or misunderstand. Instead of doubting yourself, forgive yourself and do what you can to avoid repeating it. And love others in the same way by forgiving them when they fall short of expectations.
May the peace of Christ be with you.
Susan