Grow-Resist-Grow-Repeat

This week, I'm writing my reflections on Matthew Kelly's book, Rediscover Jesus, chapters 22-24. I try to find a theme each time I blog on this boo. What's the theme between these three questions? I think letting God transform me only happens if I make myself available, and experiencing the joy of the Lord only happens if I let God transform me. So, it's a cycle: make myself available, and God will transform me. As a result, my joy will increase. But there is a fourth step in this cycle. I must confront my resistance to transformation, or I'll never make myself available. These questions help me to confront that resistance.

What will be the hardest thing about letting God transform you and your life?

The question isn't, what will be the hardest thing. The question is, what IS the hardest thing? Because to be alive is to be involved in the game of transformation. In fact, with my first breath, I'm already involved with God's inexorable pull on my life. I already strive to survive and grow, my body literally transforming moment by moment, ever leaning towards maturity. That is God saying, "Live." That is God saying, "Grow." That is God's gift of transformation. Without it, I would die. So the question is never what will be hard about this. It will always be what is hard about this.

I think the answer for me will always be the same. The answer is saying yes to it. Saying yes to transformation in all its mystery and in every disguise, just as Mary said yes to the Angel, as well as the Cross, the Resurrection and her Assumption. Yes is the ultimate word of surrender, when truly and deeply said. I also believe when yes is that profound, it is also joyful. It surrenders like clay under the potters hand, or water over the edge of the cliff. It fully allows the future to unfold and fulfill moment by moment with the grace and ease of a stretching cat.

Thank God I get lots of chances to practice.

Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess You have given me: I surrender it all to You to be disposed of according to Your will. Give me only Your love and Your grace; with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more. -St. Ignatius of Loyola

What's preventing you from making yourself available to God?

One of my favorite parables is the parable of the talents. This is the story in which Jesus has a rich boss give ten talents to one person, five to another and one to a third. He expects them to do something with this money while he goes on a business trip so that on his return, he can earn interest on what they've done.

The first two make a killing, doubling their money and getting promoted to cushy jobs by their boss. The third person buries the coin and when the boss comes back, he has nothing to show. "I knew you were a hard man," he tells him. "I knew you'd take what you hadn't sewn, and I was afraid, so I kept it to myself."

For some reason, when I hear this guy say he was afraid (of what? taking risks?), I don't hear fear in his voice. I hear resentment. "Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly." Is that my voice as well? I haven't had an easy life. I have good reasons to feel resentful of a God who seems to have been too hard on me. Only giving me one lousy dime when everyone else around me seems to have hit the lottery.

Well, whatever the reason, the boss didn't take it very well. He said, "Cast that worthless servant into the outer darkness."  Or, as Donald Trump would say, "You're fired."

A cautionary tale if ever I heard one. And one I take to heart, because regardless of what life has thrown at me, ultimately I know that God is God and I am not God. I am God's servant, put here to fulfill God's will for my life. I don't want to lose that life. I don't want to be fired, which is why I try to fight both my fearfulness of taking risks, and my resentfulness at having to work harder than others who seem to have it easier. 

Thank You, God, for giving me talents and life experiences that help me to become the best version of myself. Don't let resentment and fear keep me from making myself available to You. Amen. 

Why do you resist the happiness that God wants to fill you with?

I didn't realize I was resisting the happiness with which God wants to fill me. (Sorry. I was an English major.) Although I am aware there's a gap between my understanding of what I think will make me happy, and God's understanding of the same. But I wouldn't call that resistance. Confusion, perhaps, leading to many wrong turns and choices. This may be mistaken as resistance, the way a blind person may seem to be resisting when disoriented. But usually, a blind person will thank you if a gentle redirecting nudge helps to guide him or her through the door, and away from the wall looming in his way.

I am not physically blind, but I was born spiritually blind. That's why these words from Isaiah are so reassuring to me.  "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" I am grateful for the gentle nudges of the Holy Spirit which help me to find the door to freedom went I am wont to walk into the wall of unhappiness.

Thank You, God, for being my spiritual eyes. Thank you for having my best interests at heart. Allow me to receive your Divine Redirects with grace and ease. Amen