People, Places and Things

In chapters 16-18 of Matthew Kelly's book, Rediscover Jesus, I am challenged to consider how I allow judgement, exclusionary behavior and materialism distract me from God's desire for relationship.

How will your key relationships improve if they are free from judgement?

In order to answer this question well, I think it's important to talk about the difference between judgement and discernment. Judgement says, "Your behavior is bad, and therefore you are unlovable (by me)." Discernment says, "Because your behavior is bad, I have to set appropriate limits. But I still love you."

Discernment is very important to me. In fact, it's a survival skill. Without it, I have made very bad choices in my life that have wasted a lot of precious time. With it, I've avoided everything from letting that extra cookie ruining my figure to scam artists ruining my credit.

Finding the fine line between discernment and judgement is like maintaining Tree Pose.  If I focus on a point straight in front of me, I can stand for quite awhile. But, if my gaze strays just a bit, I will lose my balance and topple.

In the same way, when my discernment is clear, I'm free from feelings of frustration, hurt and lack of forgiveness. I can go about my life, clear on what I will or won't let other people do to me. At the same time, I am able to maintain feelings of compassion, or at least neutrality, towards the person I feel is doing me or someone else harm.

I am free to act in ways that may change the situation, as well. That could be anything as subtle as a prayer for another who has harmed me, or as overt as joining in a public protest against wrongdoing.

But if my gaze strays to how he hurt me, or she used me, or they are destroying the world, or I'm sabotaging myself, I topple. I fall in a heap of distracting thoughts and feelings, and lose focus on the goal.

My goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus, who tells us again and again in the gospels, "Judge not, lest you be judged."

God, help me to remember the difference between discernment and judgement. Never let me mistake one for the other. 

Jesus taught every person is as important and valuable as those considered important and valuable by society. What is God saying to you through this teaching today?

I think God is teaching me true community does not exist when even one person is excluded

Several situations in my life have helped to drive this message home.

• Caring for my aging mother has taught me the elderly deserve respect and understanding. 
• Worshiping in an integrated parish reminds me to love regardless of background. 
• Living across the street from a L'Arche community helps me to experience the uniquely pure love of people with disabilities.
• Finally, marriage is a mirror that constantly drives home I am weak and needy when I want to appear strong and capable.

That last one is especially important. Most people think marriage is where you learn to love another unconditionally. That's true. But it's also where you learn to allow yourself to be loved unconditionally.  

Thank you, God, that life will teach me what I need to learn if I let it.  My life is richer than it could ever be if I sheltered myself from the challenges of true community.

Jesus said, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal; but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven." What is one practical way you can live this teaching in the coming week?

I don't know who was the first to say it, but in this chapter Matthew Kelly reminds me of one of my favorite memes:

But, I've been wondering. Could I love things AND people at the same time? The reason I ask is that I know the one practical thing I could do this week is to put down my phone (with which I'm playing Words With Friends) or close my book every night at bedtime and listen--really listen--while John tells me about his day. I would definitely love a pass on that. I would love to believe listening to John share his day while in a state of total distraction is OK.

Unfortunately, by the end of the day, I have a little too much in common with Linus when he said, "I love mankind. It's people I can't stand."  Just leave me alone and let me read my book.

Now, in my defense, I will offer up that I'm an introvert, and bedtime is about the only time I get all day to recharge. Nonetheless, perhaps a little self-reflection on my use of technology is in order. I don't think there is anything wrong with using technology--even to relax--but when it gets in the way of relationships, or is a substitute for them, I know I'm relying on something that will be rusty and moth-eaten, and will leave me feeling empty in the long run.

I am amazed by how much technology is used at the wrong times and in the wrong places. I still recall the day I saw a woman take a phone call during mass, just after receiving communion. No, I don't think it was God calling.  But I do hope I'm listening when he does.

Dear God, show me something practical I can do today that will help me detach from the many distractions that disconnect me from hearing your call.

Live, Give & Forgive

These are my reflections on Chapters Ten, Eleven & Twelve of Rediscover Jesus by Matthew Kelly.

Are you loving yourself the way God wants you to love yourself?

A part of me hates this question. I immediately flash on an entire self-help industry dedicated to improving my self-esteem and empowering me to live a very big life by focusing on myself. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for healthy self-esteem. I want to get the most of my life. But in order to answer this question properly, I need to focus on the last half of it:

“…the way God wants you to love yourself…”

How does God want me to love myself? I have to put this question into the context of the two great commandments Jesus emphasized: 

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:34-40)”

He didn’t add a third commandment. He didn’t say, “You must go into therapy in order to learn to love yourself before you love your neighbor.” He seemed to take it for granted that we love ourselves. So, what I conclude from this is, to love God is to love myself. The more I love God, the more I’ll love myself.

The analogy that comes to mind is sun bathing. If I bask in the sun, I’ll get tan. If I bask in the presence of God, I’ll reflect that influence. I’ll just start naturally acting like Jesus…loved, loving and lovable.

So I ask myself, how did Jesus love himself? Well, to make it short and snappy. He prayed and he served.

That being said, the question for me is, “Rose, are you loving yourself through prayer and service?”

The answer is yes. Although there are days I’d like to be praying in a spa and serving myself another glass of wine.

Thank you, God, that we practice loving ourselves when we love you and serve others. Amen

How is God inviting you to become more generous?

Eight years ago, I started getting the message it was time to start giving back. I began by volunteering to be a lector at my parish. I joined the choir, too. I started co-leading Kid’s Liturgy. A few years later, I began volunteering at a hospital, offering Reiki sessions to cancer survivors. A few years after that, I became a friend of the L’Arche Chicago folks. I hang out with them several times a month, and I’ve helped organize a ministry to them through our parish and outreach center. I even got John and myself to get our act together as regards to tithing.

Not content to give back at church, last year I joined the local Chamber of Commerce. I am a member of our health and wellness committee, and the chair of the Chamber Health & Wellness Speakers Series.

Not to mention, I am the primary caretaker for my 90-something mother.

Now I’m getting another message. It goes something like this: “Let’s go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile.” These are Jesus’ words to his hard-working disciples.  In effect, he was saying that even when you are out to save the world, take time to be generous to yourselves. Or you’ll burn out before you’re done with your mission.

I used to be much better at spiritual self-care. I took long weekend retreats four times a year at a local convent, nurturing myself on prayer, long walks and extra naps. For some reason, that hasn’t come as easily to me. But this Lent, I’m reminded of the old saying, “generosity begins at home.” And I’m recommitting to those quarterly retreats.

God, I am grateful for your Son’s work ethic, which included times of rest, prayer and play. Help me never lose that rhythm in my life.

How seriously do you take Jesus’ invitation to forgive?

Yesterday I was talking to my husband about this question. “Honestly,” I said, “I think forgiveness is a survival skill.” He nodded his head vigorously. After twenty years of marriage, I think we’ve both learned that without forgiveness, we couldn’t have lasted.

That’s not a very high and holy reason to take Jesus’ invitation seriously. But it’s practical, and lots of Jesus’ advice was practical.  So I don’t think he minds that I may forgive just as much to keep my blood pressure down as to bring about the Kingdom of God. In the end, I suppose, it’s all one and the same.

Jesus, give me the grace to forgive as you have forgiven me. Without it, I'll never survive.