People, Places and Things

In chapters 16-18 of Matthew Kelly's book, Rediscover Jesus, I am challenged to consider how I allow judgement, exclusionary behavior and materialism distract me from God's desire for relationship.

How will your key relationships improve if they are free from judgement?

In order to answer this question well, I think it's important to talk about the difference between judgement and discernment. Judgement says, "Your behavior is bad, and therefore you are unlovable (by me)." Discernment says, "Because your behavior is bad, I have to set appropriate limits. But I still love you."

Discernment is very important to me. In fact, it's a survival skill. Without it, I have made very bad choices in my life that have wasted a lot of precious time. With it, I've avoided everything from letting that extra cookie ruining my figure to scam artists ruining my credit.

Finding the fine line between discernment and judgement is like maintaining Tree Pose.  If I focus on a point straight in front of me, I can stand for quite awhile. But, if my gaze strays just a bit, I will lose my balance and topple.

In the same way, when my discernment is clear, I'm free from feelings of frustration, hurt and lack of forgiveness. I can go about my life, clear on what I will or won't let other people do to me. At the same time, I am able to maintain feelings of compassion, or at least neutrality, towards the person I feel is doing me or someone else harm.

I am free to act in ways that may change the situation, as well. That could be anything as subtle as a prayer for another who has harmed me, or as overt as joining in a public protest against wrongdoing.

But if my gaze strays to how he hurt me, or she used me, or they are destroying the world, or I'm sabotaging myself, I topple. I fall in a heap of distracting thoughts and feelings, and lose focus on the goal.

My goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus, who tells us again and again in the gospels, "Judge not, lest you be judged."

God, help me to remember the difference between discernment and judgement. Never let me mistake one for the other. 

Jesus taught every person is as important and valuable as those considered important and valuable by society. What is God saying to you through this teaching today?

I think God is teaching me true community does not exist when even one person is excluded

Several situations in my life have helped to drive this message home.

• Caring for my aging mother has taught me the elderly deserve respect and understanding. 
• Worshiping in an integrated parish reminds me to love regardless of background. 
• Living across the street from a L'Arche community helps me to experience the uniquely pure love of people with disabilities.
• Finally, marriage is a mirror that constantly drives home I am weak and needy when I want to appear strong and capable.

That last one is especially important. Most people think marriage is where you learn to love another unconditionally. That's true. But it's also where you learn to allow yourself to be loved unconditionally.  

Thank you, God, that life will teach me what I need to learn if I let it.  My life is richer than it could ever be if I sheltered myself from the challenges of true community.

Jesus said, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal; but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven." What is one practical way you can live this teaching in the coming week?

I don't know who was the first to say it, but in this chapter Matthew Kelly reminds me of one of my favorite memes:

But, I've been wondering. Could I love things AND people at the same time? The reason I ask is that I know the one practical thing I could do this week is to put down my phone (with which I'm playing Words With Friends) or close my book every night at bedtime and listen--really listen--while John tells me about his day. I would definitely love a pass on that. I would love to believe listening to John share his day while in a state of total distraction is OK.

Unfortunately, by the end of the day, I have a little too much in common with Linus when he said, "I love mankind. It's people I can't stand."  Just leave me alone and let me read my book.

Now, in my defense, I will offer up that I'm an introvert, and bedtime is about the only time I get all day to recharge. Nonetheless, perhaps a little self-reflection on my use of technology is in order. I don't think there is anything wrong with using technology--even to relax--but when it gets in the way of relationships, or is a substitute for them, I know I'm relying on something that will be rusty and moth-eaten, and will leave me feeling empty in the long run.

I am amazed by how much technology is used at the wrong times and in the wrong places. I still recall the day I saw a woman take a phone call during mass, just after receiving communion. No, I don't think it was God calling.  But I do hope I'm listening when he does.

Dear God, show me something practical I can do today that will help me detach from the many distractions that disconnect me from hearing your call.

Who do you try to please?

Are you a people pleaser? What does that mean, anyhow?

Perhaps it's someone who, as they say, "sucks up to the boss." That someone is surely trying to please people, as long as those people have authority of some sort over them.

Do you respect such people? Do you even trust someone who does that?

Perhaps a people pleaser is a "yes man." This is someone who goes along to get along, who always agrees just to be agreeable. Do you know someone like this? Do you ever wonder if he or she has any original thoughts or opinions of his or her own?

Do you respect such a person? Do you trust him? Does her word mean anything at all?

Or maybe a people pleaser is someone who is so insecure, she will go along with whatever you suggest, just so you will like her. Maybe there's no ill will there, just a lack of self worth.

Do you feel sorry for him, or do you blow him off?

What's really wrong with being a people pleaser?

Maybe not much, until you inevitably come face to face with a situation where you must make a choice.

Do I lie and say I'm really happy that he got the job I was hoping to land for myself? Or am I honest about it and say I don't want to talk about it?

Do I help cover up my coworker's dishonesty, do I keep quiet about it until asked, or do I tell my supervisor about it as soon as I find out? In one case, I'm loyal to my coworker but dishonest to the boss; in the other, I lie by omission and in the third, I do what seems to be the most honest thing by letting the boss know? Or am I letting the boss know to please him and make myself look better in his eyes.

The first of the 10 Commandments tells us to love God more than any human being and more than any other thing at all, for that matter. The second tells us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. The rest of them clarify how we are to treat one another: Don't lie, don't steal, don't want what belongs to someone else, honor your parents, don't commit adultery, don't gossip about anyone.

But if you think about it, loving God is the only real commandment there is. That's because it's impossible to love at all without God. You can try to own another person, or you can try to control someone else, or allow yourself to be controlled by someone else, you can be infatuated with someone else in a superficial way.

But it's impossible to love anyone in a truly unconditional way without God, because God IS love. And if you understand that, and you love yourself and others the way God does, the way he has tried to teach us to do, then the rest of it just falls into place. You don't have to worry about pleasing people, because you are pleasing God. And God wants us to treat each other well, with respect and honesty, with caring and in a way that allows us to live with dignity.

When our lives are pleasing to God, the people pleasing comes naturally, and we don't have to think about it or be motivated by that. Instead, we are motivated by a genuine concern for others and their well-being.

And those around us, our family, friends and neighbors, can sense that.

In I Corinthians, Chapter 13, St. Paul tells us:
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, not pompous, not inflated.
It is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury.
It does not rejoice over wrongdoing, but rejoices with truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.

People pleasing is none of those things. It isn't patient, but seeks instant gratification; it may appear kind, but only when rewarded; people pleasers may be quite jealous when spurned; people pleasers can be entirely pompous and self-righteous, with an inflated ego.
People pleasing can be rude and always seeks its own interests. People pleasers can be quick-tempered and hold grudges for a very long time if they do not get what they want.
People pleasers may rejoice in wrongdoing if they see an advantage for themselves in it, and may not rejoice in truth if it doesn't further their personal agendas.
People pleasers may be meek victims seeking self-worth in all the wrong places or arrogant people with inflated egos, but they do not believe all things or bear all things, they may hope for the wrong things and are not likely to endure all things.
And they always fail in the end to get what they are seeking, because they are looking in the wrong places.

You will never please all people, but if you can live your life and conduct your relationships with others in ways that are pleasing to God, you will find peace of mind and experience love in ways you cannot imagine.

And in the process, you may find yourself often pleasing others as you show a genuine interest in them, their lives and their well-being.

Who will you seek to please in your life?