Comfort, Questions, Joy and the Big Lie

Chapter 33: Comfortably Comfortable

Pink Floyd had a song back around 1980 called "Comfortably Numb." It was on an album called "The Wall" that was about a psychological retreat from reality and the pain it brings. In "Comfortably Numb," the singer slips gradually into a state of unfeeling. "You are receding," the lyrics go. "You lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying." And the refrain: "I have become comfortably numb."

Have you ever wished you could just let go of the world and all the stress, the pain, the agony and expectations? Just slip into a cocoon for awhile? Surely we all have at one time or another.

At the very least, we like to get comfortable. As much as we can arrange for it. We see advertising touting comfort. Everything from shoes to cars to homes and furniture, it's all about comfort. We talk about our "comfort zones" and how we should occasionally step outside of those areas in which we feel at ease -- perhaps physical zones, but perhaps in terms of taking on new projects, learning new skills, trying new experiences, reaching out to people we may not feel particularly comfortable with? Yes, that.

Then comes a question: Is comfort good for us? Remember the "if it feels good, do it" 1980s? And today, we have televangelists (still) who preach what is sometimes called "The Gospel of Prosperity." You know what I mean, the ones who tell you if you just make one more donation to their organization, that God will finally bestow  on you the blessings He wants to give you? The ones who say you can tell whether you are "right with God" by how well off and comfortable you are. New car, fancy house, great job with a fat bank account? You must be doing something right, they say.

What does Jesus have to say about comfort? Turns out he didn't say much about comfort at all. He did have a lot to say about getting uncomfortable, about denying ourselves. Not a popular concept, not even today. When I say something about self-denial to people, I inevitably get this strange look. "Why would you want to do that?" they ask.

Well, that's because we aren't really supposed to get comfortable on this Earth. Comfort is a relative thing, and it's a word that has many meanings. But generally, Jesus wanted people to get outside their comfort zones, as we would say today. To try things that stretched their sensibilities. Like dining with sinneres, or going out on a mission to spread his message in places where the people might not be so friendly, or believing they, too, could walk on water or know what to say without preparing themselves ahead of time.

The author of "Rediscover Jesus" says we are not supposed to get comfortable here on Earth because we are just passing through. We are here for just a short time, in the big scheme of things. That's n ot morbid, it's just the way it is.

And self-denial, he points out, is a great life skill. It's the only way to have a successful marriage, successful friendships and other relationships, to succeed at work, to be a good parent, to manage your personal finances. All by delaying gratification -- ie self-denial.

You can start small and build up. There's a cumulative effect. It helps us cut to the chase and opens us to the grace we need to overcome sinfulness and power through adversity.

Point to ponder: Being too comfortable, too often, makes us weak in mind, body and spirit.

Verse: "If anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross, and follow me." Matthew 16:24

What is one way you can deny yourself today:

That's a question you can ask of yourself every day. Perhaps every hour.

I can deny myself snacks I don't need -- but not nourishment my body needs.

I can say no to wasting time.

And I can deny myself by saying "yes" to something I don't really want to do. Like doing one more load of laundry, or getting the dishes out of the way immediately after dinner.

I can deny myself by jumping out of bed and showering before I drink my coffee, when I"d much rather sit in bed and read while I drink my coffee.

I can deny myself (or delay gratification) by staying away from stores where I'm tempted to buy things I don't really need. I can spend a day off organizing household papers and clearing clutter instead of watching a movie or just surfing the web.

See how easy it is? Can you get comfortable outside your own comfort zone?

Chapter 34: Two Wrestling Questions

"You can't always get what you want," sang Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones. "But if you try sometime, you might just find you get what you need." Wise words from a rock and roll star.

The author points out that unless you ask the right questions, you'll never get the right answers. Sort of like "be careful what you pray for." What do you really want out of life?

Do you know? This reminds me of a bookmark I found many years ago. It has a prayer on it about never getting what you ask for, and yet in the end, getting everything you need and finding yourself a man (or woman) most richly blessed because of it.

What do I want? I used to think I wanted a bigger house (never enough room, never enough storage at my house) but now, I think I just want more storage space. And less furniture, less stuff to have to take care of.

I think what I want is more time. More time to spend in nature, more time to sit and read. More time to learn new things. More time to practice what I enjoy most (writing and making music among them). More time to be contemplative, to think, to muse and ponder.

And then there's another whole question: What does God want?
delayed
I have a couple of coffee mugs that I am especially fond of. One is white with blue morning glories swirling around it. It says "A simple life is its own reward." I knew that was special even before I had contemplated what it means. Back when I was still accumulating stuff. It was a gift from a student in a religious ed class I taught, I believe she was one of my fifth-graders. Now I believe that's not only true, but really important. You wouldn't know it by following what I do, though. My life is not yet simplified. But I know where I need to head.

The other has pink rose-like flowers. It has a whole prayer on it that boils down to this: Lord, let me live one day at a time, ... doing your will and not my own (that's paraphrased) with my heart set on eternity.

So what does God really want? The answer is kind of astounding. God wants us to be filled with complete joy. He wants to share his joy with us, completely. And we spend a good part of our lives on Earth rejecting that love, avoiding it, why?

Pink Floyd's lead singer, Roger Waters, left the band and struck out on a solo career. One of the songs he sang as a solo act (well, with his own new band, not Pink Floyd) included this lyric: What God wants, God gets.

Does he? I'm not so sure. If he wants all of us to live lives that will allow us to share in his complete joy, he's not getting everything he wants because we are not a compliant bunch of people.

And it's not that God just withholds this joy until we do as he says. No, it's we who refuse to open ourselves in a way that would allow us to accept that joy. We have filled our hearts with so much hatred, bias, prejudice, selfishness, jealousy, greed, sloth, pride and dishonesty, we are not capable of experiencing God's complete joy. We have to shed all those things, and in order to do that, we have to tune into God's bandwidth, to focus on him and stop being distracted by worldly things.

The funny thing is, none of those things we refuse to let go of bring us any closer to the joy we want. Because we do, right? We want to be filled with God's complete joy, but we look for it in all the wrong places.

Verse: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace." Romans 15:13

Isn't that a beautiful Scripture passage?

Does getting what you want bring you lasting happiness?

There's a loaded question. I would change it, if it was up to me, to say "Does getting what you THINK YOU want bring you lasting happiness.

It's funny, I can remember all the way back to childhood. I would always be sure if I just got one more doll, one more toy, whatever the newest popular toy (as seen on television) happened to be, if I could just have it, I'd be so happy. I'd never want anything else. Ever.

But I quickly learned how each time I got something I wanted (and  it didn't happen every day, believe me), it never lived up to that promise.

I remember begging my father one year when I was a teenager for a $10 pair of jeans that was in the local mall in a popular boutique. I begged for weeks before I finally got them. And  you know what? It was just another pair of pants. Those jeans didn't make me more popular at school, didn't make me feel beautiful or glamorous, nada. Just a pair of pants. I still have those pants, believe it or not. I can still wear them, in fact. But I don't.

And another time, when I was much younger, there was a little tiny plastic doll that I wanted beyond all reasonable wanting. It looked like so much fun on TV when the little children who were actors in the commercials would play with them. I slipped one into my pocket at the grocery store one day, never got caught, and never enjoyed a single minute with it.

But on the other hand, in the years after my husband and I were married, after our two sons arrived on the scene, we decided we wanted to belong to a church. We shopped around, and myself, I hadn't been to a Catholic Mass in a lot of years (since fourth grade, really) and never really considered that it was possible to go back. But no other church we attended did anything for me. Long story short, we attended a funeral for a Catholic member of his family, and we were hooked. I wanted to be Catholic again even more than I had wanted those pants or that toy, and it took us two years to get through all the classes and paperwork and whatnot it took to get there. And this goal, it's meant more to us than just about anything. It has literally changed my life and who I am, all for the better.

So I guess it really is a matter of asking the right questions, asking for the right things.

Chapter 35: Complete Joy

Can we find complete joy in a throwaway, disposable world? Can we be satisfied with a pale shadow of the real deal?

Nah. If we could find lasting happiness, joy and meaning in trinkets and empty promises, we'd all be drowning in joy.

And yet, I've not only experienced for myself but seen and heard others express the same realization: That we all have this empty pit inside that yearns for something that seems unattainable until we find Jesus and get acquainted. We are created for this, and indeed, are hardwired to yearn for God's love.

But there's a catch, sort of. No, God isn't teasing us with something that we have to jump through hoops to get. God just wants us to have it. Same way parents want their children to be happy. But we can't experience it until we are ready. And we aren't ready until we have denied ourselves things that rob us of happiness. Until we give up feeling angry, bitter, jealous, proud, hateful or holding grudges. Until we stop thinking of ourselves all the time and put the needs of others ahead of our own. Until we can develop an attitude of gratitude for what we have instead of resentment over what we don't have but think we need. That's when happiness and joy begin to fill the empty places in our hearts.

Verse: A joyful heart is life itself, and rejoicing lengthens one's life span." Sirach 30:22

What really brings you joy?

Right now, what brings me joy is when I can help someone else feel better, by giving them something as simple as a drink or a meal, a pair of socks or a warm sweater. When I learn something new. People can bring me joy just by being friendly. Kindness brings me joy, whether given or received. And sometimes, yes, comfort brings me a sort of joy. But not an overload of comfort. Just a little bit.

And I love this little prayer the author includes at the end of a tiny chapter:
Jesus, let me get out of the way so you can fill me with complete joy.

Chapter 36: The Biggest Lie

OK, that's an ominous sounding title.

So what is this "biggest lie"? Is it about being persecuted or about hypocrisy among Christians? Is it the damage done by intolerant people (including Christians) who portray Jesus as a dictator, stern and unforgiving? What is it?

The author writes that it's actually something we tell ourselves, that holiness is not possible.

He writes that we believe holiness is possible for our grandmothers or Medieval saints, but not for ourselves. I hadn't ever thought of holiness that way, but OK. I'll keep reading.

I can, however, see his point about this mis-belief sucking the life out of Christians. It's like being denied the prize. Every. Single. Time.

In church around Easter, we sing "Out of Darkness." This song tells us holiness is possible. We are a "holy nation, royal priesthood, walking in God's marvelous light." Sure sounds like holiness to me.

Are we confusing holiness with perfection? Perfection is not possible while we live on this Earth. But holiness? Sure.

In fact, in my various studies with groups of fellow Catholics, we've talked about being holy men and women, we've talked about how the saints were imperfect people just like us. Burt they are holy men and women, and we are too.

When did you stop believing holiness was possible for you?

Well, I don't think I stopped, once I figured out what it meant. It means that even though I both make mistakes and sometimes deliberately do or say things I know are wrong, for whatever reason (usually fear of something), I can still be a holy person by starting over and living my life going forward in a better way. By being more tolerant, more forgiving, more caring. I am my own harshest critic, yet I do try to be one of the "good guys" in my daily life.

I probably did think holiness was impossible for me when I was younger, when I was not anchored in a church, and particularly not in the Catholic Church. I also thought I could never achieve anything else in life, that I was a failure before I get out of the starting gate. I heard lots of people preaching at me, but never heard anything helpful.

And I am grateful now for all the opportunities that did arise for me, and grateful I was able to open the door and take advantage of some of them.

And so whenever I am able to live my beliefs, to touch someone else's life in a positive way, that's a holy moment. I don't talk about my beliefs a lot (except in this blog, or with certain people) but I do try to live my beliefs, to practice what I don't preach. I try to be honest, to be respectful of others, to listen and to be generous with my time and talents and treasures, to feed the hungry and give drink tot he thirsty, to comfort the imprisoned (which I believe involves more than literally being incarcerated) and clothe the naked.

But then there are all the things I fail to do: I don't always reach out when I should, I don't always visit people I should visit. I do get impatient and sometimes I don't want to forgive. I struggle not to be greedy or indifferent, at times. I'm not a saint but I can have my holy moments, when I fulfill in some small way what God wants of me.

The trick is to keep those failings from negating (in my own mind) the good things I do. I say this because if God will forgive me all those failings, if I can convince myself that he really does forgive me, then I owe it to others to try to do the same. Sort of like paying it forward. I went to a church pancake breakfast once, and I was standing in line to pay for my ticket, and when it was my turn at the table, the woman who was selling tickets told me the person in front of me had paid for my meal. I was flabbergasted. I did not know that person who had stood ahead of me in line.

And so the only thing to do was to pay for the person behind me. Pass it along, so to speak. If God forgives me, if he has not given up on me yet, then I owe it to him and to myself to keep trying.

It's been a busy Lent this year, and I am grateful for this obligation to myself and to Rose, to write these reflections down. Because it's likely I would put it off on my own until it was too late. It's now Holy Week, and Easter is imminent, pregnant with all the joy and celebration it promises us on Easter morning.

Blind Spot

In a few days we will be celebrating Palm Sunday, so we are finally into the home stretch of this year's Lenten Blog. I hope you have enjoyed some of what I've written, and been a little inspired. This week, I reflect on blocks to joy, blind spots, overwhelm and my favorite sins!


Who or what is robbing you of joy?

I wake up almost daily robbed of joy. That may sound like a horrible thing to say, but even upon waking, I can feel my overcrowded, sometimes very unpleasant schedule coming at me like a swarm of bees. That's why it's been my habit to think of three things I'm looking forward to every morning before I get out of bed. One for the morning, one for the afternoon, one for the evening. They are my hopping stones across the next eighteen hours or so. Knowing I have something, however small, to enjoy helps to put things in perspective.

But it's not just the daily grind that gets me down. I can think of a lot of things that rob me of joy--ingratitude, worry, regretting missed opportunities, holding onto grudges, aches, pains, illness, not noticing the birdsong outside my window, thinking I'm better than others, thinking I'm worse than others, avoiding others, blaming others, not saying no to others, wanting what others have, not caring for others, overeating, overspending, overdoing, neglecting prayer, losing touch with myself, losing touch with a sense of purpose and meaning.

Like pickpockets, these joy robbers are always lurking around and waiting for their chance. It's my job to stay on guard, and I've found the best way to do so is to practice these words from 1Thessalonians:  "Be happy all the time, pray constantly and give thanks for everything, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Dear God, I'm grateful joy is Your will for me. Help me to guard its presence in my life with a positive attitude, prayer and gratitude. 


How are your blind spots affecting your relationships?

Well, it depends on the relationship.

Jesus was concerned about our blind spots when he said, "Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own?" Our blind spots are caused by those logs of creative denial. In other words, the bad habits I don't see in myself I'm happy to see in others.

But I think it's important for us to remember that other kind of blind spot Jesus had. It's the one Peter was referring to when he wrote, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." (1Peter 4:8)

I know I have blind spots that cause me to dismiss worthwhile qualities in other, and overlook faults in myself. But I hope I can go blind like Jesus--to race, creed, nationality, gender, socioeconomic class, and anything else that might fool me into thinking I am better than "them."

God, as Jesus' presence struck Paul blind to all but Him, let me see nothing but you in others. Amen.


What is one practical example of how God is inviting you to let go of your way and open yourself to his way?

I have been wracking my brain for days trying to come up with an answer to this question. But honestly, the first thought that runs through my head is, "What!? God wants me to do something ELSE now?" Because I've also been wracking my brain for the last several months over another question: what can I do to bring my out-of-control schedule under control.

Maybe that is the practical step God is asking from me. I have made steps. This past week, I ended a five and a half year volunteering gig at a hospital, which wins me back one Wednesday a month. I'm thinking of letting go my co-leader role as a Children's Liturgy leader.  That won't do much but land me back in the pew for the entire mass, and a little prep time once or twice a month. I'm also considering letting go of my role as chairperson of my local Chamber's Speakers' Committee.

Notice all my choices have to do with volunteering? I don't know what that means, except I may have bitten off more than I could chew years ago when I felt I wasn't doing enough to thank God for all the blessings I've been given.

But now the problem is, my life is so busy I can't tell if God is inviting me to do anything. So, I guess the answer is what I least expected. The practical thing is to cut back so I can hear God's voice.

What are your three most frequent sins?

I think this questions should read, "what are the three most frequent sins I'm willing to admit on a public forum." Having said that, it helps me to take a look at the Seven Deadly Sins to narrow it down.  Pride, Greed, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Sloth and Envy

I have to claim pride, because pride is the root of all sin. Pride is considered the root of sin in Christianity, stemming from the tradition of the fall of the archangel Satan from heaven. He preferred himself to God--the heart of pride--rendering all his actions selfish and ego-driven. So any action on my part that doesn't first--to the best of my ability--take God's will into account is the result of pride.

The other two are easy to spot. Anger for sure, given how easily I can lose my temper with John. I've always known that Envy has been a struggle for me, although I think it's much improved over the years.

The Gospels, prayer and self-denial

The four chapters I am reflecting on this week are a bit more weighty, which is befitting Lent and the start of Holy Week on Sunday. Prayer and self-denial are an integral part of Lent, as are the Gospels which are, of course, about the life and teachings of Jesus himself.

Chapter 25
Delve into the Gospels is the title of the chapter, and it suggests that we do more than follow the readings that are proclaimed at Mass. For a deeper experience, it suggests reading them as you would read any other book or short story -- straight through.

Author's point to ponder: Jesus' teachings are astoundingly practical when we pause to reflect on them.

Verse: "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." One of my favorite verses, from Psalm 119:105

Have you ever really read the Gospels? 

I did this once, but it was back in the 1990s when I did it. I think I will do this during the Easter season. I tried to read the entire Bible. I must have had a lot of free time on my hands back then. And maybe I need a bit MORE free time now.

The author  of the book suggests that we get just enough from the Sunday readings to end up immune to the message contained therein, that millions who have rejected Christianity have no clear idea what they are rejecting. That's because reading only snippets that someone else has chosen for us causes us to miss some of the important points. The Gospel readings at Sunday Mass (and daily Mass, if you go) are important, but not the whole story.

Read the Gospels as if you were reading any other book or short story, from start to finish, in shortis snippets as your schedule allows. The author suggests 15 minutes a day.

I am a participant in a Live Jesus group through my parish. .Once a month, we get a pamphlet published by the Salesians that focuses on a topic. This month, it was Practice, as in "practice makes perfect." We talked about how the Gospels provide for us a different meaning each time we read them, and we may struggle with certain passages at various points in our lives, and then hear something completely different the next time we hear or read it.

Maybe a better saying would be "practice makes habit." Because that's really what our guidelines were talking about this time. Practice and strive for perfection, but not the kind of perfection that makes us anxious or controlling. Rather, the kind of perfection that makes us able to love more perfectly, to reach out to others, the "neighbors" who are unloveable, especially those we consider our enemies.

So yes, read the Gospels like a book.and also read the footnotes, if you have an annotated version. Lots of helpful context can be found in the footnotes!

Chapter 26
This chapter is titled "The Prayer Process."

Prayer is not something I had ever thought of as a process, but having a structure is certainly helpful. This chapter is about structured, scheduled prayer, which is a great foundation for a fulfilling prayer life. The fourth chapter in this blog entry is about spontaneous prayer.

So how do you pray? We all know (or should know) The Lord's Prayer, the Our Father as it is often called. We can recite the Hail Mary, and the Glory Be and many others.One of my favorites is Anima Christe.

But reciting someone else's words, while great for the purpose of public prayer such as is done at Mass or whenever a group wants to pray together, or when we're feeling lost in the desert and in need of something to grasp, a rope to hang onto until the storm passes. But it's not the whole story, even for scheduled prayer that we do in private.

Here, in a quick nutlshell, is the Prayer Process:
1. Gratitude: Thank God for whatever you are most grateful for this day.
2. Awareness: Revisit your past 24 hours, the good, bad and ugly. Talk to God about it and what you have learned.
3. Significant moments; Identify something you experienced today and explore what God may be trying to say to you.
4. Peace: Ask God to forgive you for any wrong you committed and fill you with peace.
5. Freedom: Ask God how he is inviting you to change your life and thus experience freedom to become all you can be.
6. Others: Petition God on behalf of whomever you wish to lift up this day.

Sounds complicated, but I suspect if we can make a habit of it, it is a comfort and spiritual aid.

Are you making spiritual progress?

Only you can answer this one. Am I making progress? I sure hope so. I think so. I like to think I know so. The most obvious progress I ever made was from the time we started the RCIA process until we finished it. There was a lot of pain, but a lot of progress. I would say that I have made progress since then. But the more I learn, the more I know how much I do NOT know yet, or how much more progress I need to make.

And I also believe that to make progress is to be alive. I am on a journey and as long as I continue on that journey, I will make progress. When I finish the journey, I will be at the end of my Earthly life.

Chapter 27
Deny Yourself: That's a stark name for a chapter. Some people look at me as if I waI s an alien when I suggest that self-denial is a means of spiritual discipline. But it is.

This chapter (short one, only 2 pages) also suggests that it's a very practical discipline, too. You can't be successful in any endeavor if you lack self-discipline, and that's really all this is talking about. Saying no can mean saying yes, in one sense, because the author points out that you can say NO to laziness and start exercising, for example. But of course, if you say NO to someone, it means no.

In what area of your life do you exhibit the most self-control? The least? 

I'm pretty good at focusing on helping others, and I no longer feel a need to indulge myself in many ways. Probably that's partly my age and partly my decades of parenting. And it's a lot easier to deny yourself when it's your choice, and not because you have no means. And I've gotten pretty good at calming myself in frustrating traffic, compared to when I was younger. That was one of my Lenten sacrifices one year: I gave up road "rage" and paid attention for an entire Lent. Another Lent, I gave up holding grudges. That was somewhat less successful, long term. And I have developed excellent self-control when it comes to my diet.

Least? I do have trouble not eating snacks at work. But I guess the least self-control has to go to developing a good exercise habit. I start things, and then either the opportunities disappear, the class ends or I just don't stick to it.

So, as you can see, there's still plenty of work to be done here.

Author's verse: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

Chapter 28
Spontaneous prayer is the easiest, most natural form of prayer for me. I have to differ with the author here. I have not developed a strong focused daily prayer time. My lifestyle doesn't work that way. I don't have a focused daily anything beyond drinking coffee and showering in the morning. My work hours are erratic, my husband's work hours are even more erratic, we both are sort of on call a lot vor various reasons, and we just don't have a settled anything much. Maybe that will come with retirement.

But the author says if you think you are conversing with God daily but do not have a focused prayer time, you are deceiving yourself. I have not for years neglected to be aware of God's presence in my life, at work, at home, everywhere I go. The closest I have to focused prayer is to listen to the Jesuit podcast "Pray As You Go". It's a good 10 minute reflection. And while I cannot get lost in it while driving, I do listen and reflect. But I don't do it every day, just several times a week.

My conversations with God, even contemplative ones, are daily, at odd times. This has been going on for more than two decades, and it has transformed my life completely. I am stronger, more flexible, less defensive, my self-esteem is much better, I am more humble, more forgiving, more giving, and am involved in very different things in my spare time as a result.

The author mentions early prayers, and he mentions a childhood memory of an altar with a banner that said "My Lord and my God" on it. Here's what I remember: not childhood, but in the past, there was a banner hanging from the lectern at church. It referenced the Little Sisters of Jesus and Mary, whose motto, as it were, is "Cry the Gospels with your life." It is my own rock.

And yes, I even complain to God. I try to pray better to him, to ask him to teach me to love better, to be more patient, to let things go, whatever is needed. OR just to provide what I need to get through, because I don't always know.

Verse: "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances." Thessalonians 5:16-18

What are you most grateful for today?

Without elaborating, I am most grateful today for a conversation between myself and my older son. I am also most grateful that he and his girlfriend found each other, profoundly grateful. I am also most grateful for the many people and opportunities in life that have been handed to me. And every day, I am grateful for God's presence in my daily life. What I want to do is not to appear pious or wise or all-knowing, not to preach at others, but to always cry the Gospel with my life. Actions speak louder than words.

Grow-Resist-Grow-Repeat

This week, I'm writing my reflections on Matthew Kelly's book, Rediscover Jesus, chapters 22-24. I try to find a theme each time I blog on this boo. What's the theme between these three questions? I think letting God transform me only happens if I make myself available, and experiencing the joy of the Lord only happens if I let God transform me. So, it's a cycle: make myself available, and God will transform me. As a result, my joy will increase. But there is a fourth step in this cycle. I must confront my resistance to transformation, or I'll never make myself available. These questions help me to confront that resistance.

What will be the hardest thing about letting God transform you and your life?

The question isn't, what will be the hardest thing. The question is, what IS the hardest thing? Because to be alive is to be involved in the game of transformation. In fact, with my first breath, I'm already involved with God's inexorable pull on my life. I already strive to survive and grow, my body literally transforming moment by moment, ever leaning towards maturity. That is God saying, "Live." That is God saying, "Grow." That is God's gift of transformation. Without it, I would die. So the question is never what will be hard about this. It will always be what is hard about this.

I think the answer for me will always be the same. The answer is saying yes to it. Saying yes to transformation in all its mystery and in every disguise, just as Mary said yes to the Angel, as well as the Cross, the Resurrection and her Assumption. Yes is the ultimate word of surrender, when truly and deeply said. I also believe when yes is that profound, it is also joyful. It surrenders like clay under the potters hand, or water over the edge of the cliff. It fully allows the future to unfold and fulfill moment by moment with the grace and ease of a stretching cat.

Thank God I get lots of chances to practice.

Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess You have given me: I surrender it all to You to be disposed of according to Your will. Give me only Your love and Your grace; with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more. -St. Ignatius of Loyola

What's preventing you from making yourself available to God?

One of my favorite parables is the parable of the talents. This is the story in which Jesus has a rich boss give ten talents to one person, five to another and one to a third. He expects them to do something with this money while he goes on a business trip so that on his return, he can earn interest on what they've done.

The first two make a killing, doubling their money and getting promoted to cushy jobs by their boss. The third person buries the coin and when the boss comes back, he has nothing to show. "I knew you were a hard man," he tells him. "I knew you'd take what you hadn't sewn, and I was afraid, so I kept it to myself."

For some reason, when I hear this guy say he was afraid (of what? taking risks?), I don't hear fear in his voice. I hear resentment. "Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly." Is that my voice as well? I haven't had an easy life. I have good reasons to feel resentful of a God who seems to have been too hard on me. Only giving me one lousy dime when everyone else around me seems to have hit the lottery.

Well, whatever the reason, the boss didn't take it very well. He said, "Cast that worthless servant into the outer darkness."  Or, as Donald Trump would say, "You're fired."

A cautionary tale if ever I heard one. And one I take to heart, because regardless of what life has thrown at me, ultimately I know that God is God and I am not God. I am God's servant, put here to fulfill God's will for my life. I don't want to lose that life. I don't want to be fired, which is why I try to fight both my fearfulness of taking risks, and my resentfulness at having to work harder than others who seem to have it easier. 

Thank You, God, for giving me talents and life experiences that help me to become the best version of myself. Don't let resentment and fear keep me from making myself available to You. Amen. 

Why do you resist the happiness that God wants to fill you with?

I didn't realize I was resisting the happiness with which God wants to fill me. (Sorry. I was an English major.) Although I am aware there's a gap between my understanding of what I think will make me happy, and God's understanding of the same. But I wouldn't call that resistance. Confusion, perhaps, leading to many wrong turns and choices. This may be mistaken as resistance, the way a blind person may seem to be resisting when disoriented. But usually, a blind person will thank you if a gentle redirecting nudge helps to guide him or her through the door, and away from the wall looming in his way.

I am not physically blind, but I was born spiritually blind. That's why these words from Isaiah are so reassuring to me.  "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" I am grateful for the gentle nudges of the Holy Spirit which help me to find the door to freedom went I am wont to walk into the wall of unhappiness.

Thank You, God, for being my spiritual eyes. Thank you for having my best interests at heart. Allow me to receive your Divine Redirects with grace and ease. Amen

Miracles, Radical Love and ... the Main Event!

Personal Reflections

Chapter 19:
Have you ever wondered why God made himself manifest through miracles throughout the Old Testament days -- manna in the desert, the burning bush, speaking directly to the prophets, Jonah swallowed by a whale and surviving the ordeal? And Jesus during his time on Earth with us healing the sick, raising the dead, feeding the hungry by multiplying fishes and loaves, walking on water, calming the storm, turning water into wine?

Why don't we have miracles today to help us believe?

This chapter suggests that miracles are happening but we don't necessarily recognize them. I have thought that same thing for a long time now. It was easier back then, not so much because the miracles were so blatant, but because there was always someone around whom those miracles centered. And perhaps people were less cynical then? They certainly did not have as much scientific knowledge then.

We like to explain everything using our own knowledge and research. We've seen a lot of scams, con artists and deluded leaders, too. So it's good that we are not so naive as to fall for every con artist's line.

But miracles? They happen. People are healed with no good medical explanation. We make mistakes that could easily be fatal (like pulling in front of another vehicle on the road because we didn't see them coming, or because we misjudged their speed), yet somehow we remain unscathed. Our guardian angels on the job?

Whose prayer can you be the answer to today? 

We've all heard that God uses us to answer prayers. We've all had our prayers answered by someone else, in unexpected ways. We can do this in very ordinary ways, actually. By paying attention to others, to their needs and their pain, by getting outside of ourselves for once and reaching out, maybe even simply by smiling or holding a door for someone.

Visiting the sick, homebound or imprisoned, feeding the hungry, offering someone a ride to an appointment, stopping to help someone whose car is broken down (or just calling for help), taking a colleague out for coffee or lunch or just lending a shoulder and listening. All are ways to answer prayers or create small miracles for others.

And if we pay attention, we will begin to see miracles everywhere, every day. What a great change to make in our attitudes!

"The one who believes in me will also do the works that I do, in fact, will do greater works than these." John 14:12

Chapter 20:

Radical love? What is that? My perception and understanding of love is constantly changing. When I was young, love meant parents who provided for my needs and encouraged me, friends who would spend time with me and for the most part, as a child love involves more receiving than giving. Children are needy.

Later, love meant something more romantic, and it was often painful. Unrequited love is one of the great dramas of adolescence and young adulthood. It's a burning awareness of someone else (who may not even know you exist) and yet it's still a self-centered kind of love.

But becoming a parent means a radical shift into being the provider rather than the providee, and even those who do not become parents often have pets, or they may enter a profession that is more of a care-giving nature than the other way around. Adulthood usually involves some kind of shift like this.

But even this isn't enough. As my children became adults and gradually (finally) moved out of the house for good, I became even more aware of the needs of others and of the opportunities for me to help some of them. Having low self-esteem can get in the way of helping others, because you don't feel worthy of doing for someone else. Sadly, it is in that sense a self-centered state of mind, too, even though it's a negative kind of selfishness.

There's a lot of Scripture that talks about love.

Last Sunday we heard about the prodigal son who was so self-centered, he demanded his inheritance early, ran off and squandered every penny of it, then came back home to beg for a lowly job so he could survive. But his father had a better sense of love and so he pulled out all the stops to celebrate his lost son's return home, much to the chagrin of his other son who had stayed home and done what was right.

That's a kind of radical love on the part of the father. Not all fathers would be so overjoyed to see a son come home begging after squandering money he didn't earn or deserve.

But John 15:13 suggests an even more radical idea: "No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends."

And that's what Jesus did when he died on the cross. As God, he didn't have to go endure that agony. But he did.

Read I Corinthians 13:4-8 for more specifics on radical, unconditional love.

What are you laying down your life for?

That's an interesting way to phrase a question. I probably would have thought about WHO I am laying down my life for. But we make decisions all the time about our priorities in life. Am I laying down my life for work -- a career -- so I can have more power, buy a bigger house to live in, make others jealous, perhaps elevate ourselves in hopes someone will admire us or look up to us?

Or are we laying down our lives by way of sharing what we have with others who have less? Are we giving of our time, support, resources to help raise up others instead of benefiting ourselves? Do we trust God enough to do that, secure in our belief that our heavenly Father will not allow us to fail, that he will provide other people who will provide somehow for our needs? Or do we not care, as long as we are making someone else's life easier?

Radical love can enable us to do radical things. Some people choose radical bad things to do, as have many famous dictators, kings and evil men throughout history. Others have chosen radical good, even in our own lifetimes. Think of people like Mother Teresa of Calcutta aka Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, who devoted her life to helping the poorest of the poor in Calcutta, India. Or throughout history, those who have given their lives to the Church -- the unsung heroes as well as the well known saints. And speaking of unsung heroes, they are among us everywhere, quietly spreading love and healing.

What are you laying down your life for?

Chapter 21:

The main event? The Resurrection, Jesus executed by the Romans, at the urging of the Jewish people in Jerusalem, yet three days later, an empty tomb. This chapter shares a story by a journalist who was an atheist three decades or more ago, whose wife became a Christian. This journalist used his reporting and investigative skills to try to discredit the resurrection and save his marriage, for he did not believe he could remain married to a Christian. But he was unable to discredit it; in fact, he came to the conclusion after examining all the available evidence (in Scripture and in the historic records) that it would take greater faith to maintain his atheism than it would take to accept the resurrection as truth and become a believer!

This former atheist was at the time he set this account into writing celebrating his 30th Easter as a Christian. It wasn't just his research that turned him. He saw changes in his wife, in her behavior and attitudes. The more he looked into it, the more he realized he couldn't continue to argue against the existence of God. He still cannot prove that God is real but he found enough evidence to change his own heart, which is not what he had set out to do.

God wants to resurrect you in some specific way. What area of your life needs resurrection right now?

I want to turn that around, to ask what area of my life DOESN'T need resurrection right now? But that's a cop-out.

However, I don't think I can figure it out on my own. This is something I will have to spend some time figuring out in prayer. Or just allowing it to unfold by handing over more of my days to God and see where it leads.

Susan

People, Places and Things

In chapters 16-18 of Matthew Kelly's book, Rediscover Jesus, I am challenged to consider how I allow judgement, exclusionary behavior and materialism distract me from God's desire for relationship.

How will your key relationships improve if they are free from judgement?

In order to answer this question well, I think it's important to talk about the difference between judgement and discernment. Judgement says, "Your behavior is bad, and therefore you are unlovable (by me)." Discernment says, "Because your behavior is bad, I have to set appropriate limits. But I still love you."

Discernment is very important to me. In fact, it's a survival skill. Without it, I have made very bad choices in my life that have wasted a lot of precious time. With it, I've avoided everything from letting that extra cookie ruining my figure to scam artists ruining my credit.

Finding the fine line between discernment and judgement is like maintaining Tree Pose.  If I focus on a point straight in front of me, I can stand for quite awhile. But, if my gaze strays just a bit, I will lose my balance and topple.

In the same way, when my discernment is clear, I'm free from feelings of frustration, hurt and lack of forgiveness. I can go about my life, clear on what I will or won't let other people do to me. At the same time, I am able to maintain feelings of compassion, or at least neutrality, towards the person I feel is doing me or someone else harm.

I am free to act in ways that may change the situation, as well. That could be anything as subtle as a prayer for another who has harmed me, or as overt as joining in a public protest against wrongdoing.

But if my gaze strays to how he hurt me, or she used me, or they are destroying the world, or I'm sabotaging myself, I topple. I fall in a heap of distracting thoughts and feelings, and lose focus on the goal.

My goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus, who tells us again and again in the gospels, "Judge not, lest you be judged."

God, help me to remember the difference between discernment and judgement. Never let me mistake one for the other. 

Jesus taught every person is as important and valuable as those considered important and valuable by society. What is God saying to you through this teaching today?

I think God is teaching me true community does not exist when even one person is excluded

Several situations in my life have helped to drive this message home.

• Caring for my aging mother has taught me the elderly deserve respect and understanding. 
• Worshiping in an integrated parish reminds me to love regardless of background. 
• Living across the street from a L'Arche community helps me to experience the uniquely pure love of people with disabilities.
• Finally, marriage is a mirror that constantly drives home I am weak and needy when I want to appear strong and capable.

That last one is especially important. Most people think marriage is where you learn to love another unconditionally. That's true. But it's also where you learn to allow yourself to be loved unconditionally.  

Thank you, God, that life will teach me what I need to learn if I let it.  My life is richer than it could ever be if I sheltered myself from the challenges of true community.

Jesus said, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal; but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven." What is one practical way you can live this teaching in the coming week?

I don't know who was the first to say it, but in this chapter Matthew Kelly reminds me of one of my favorite memes:

But, I've been wondering. Could I love things AND people at the same time? The reason I ask is that I know the one practical thing I could do this week is to put down my phone (with which I'm playing Words With Friends) or close my book every night at bedtime and listen--really listen--while John tells me about his day. I would definitely love a pass on that. I would love to believe listening to John share his day while in a state of total distraction is OK.

Unfortunately, by the end of the day, I have a little too much in common with Linus when he said, "I love mankind. It's people I can't stand."  Just leave me alone and let me read my book.

Now, in my defense, I will offer up that I'm an introvert, and bedtime is about the only time I get all day to recharge. Nonetheless, perhaps a little self-reflection on my use of technology is in order. I don't think there is anything wrong with using technology--even to relax--but when it gets in the way of relationships, or is a substitute for them, I know I'm relying on something that will be rusty and moth-eaten, and will leave me feeling empty in the long run.

I am amazed by how much technology is used at the wrong times and in the wrong places. I still recall the day I saw a woman take a phone call during mass, just after receiving communion. No, I don't think it was God calling.  But I do hope I'm listening when he does.

Dear God, show me something practical I can do today that will help me detach from the many distractions that disconnect me from hearing your call.

Lenten eye-openers

Looking today at Chapters 13, 14 and 15 in Rediscover Jesus.

Chapter 13: Who is the greatest?

I always knew that Jesus' teachings seem like a paradox in our Earthly world. The first will be last. The meek shall inherit the Earth. Turn the other cheek.. But I hadn't really thought about the children as paradox. This is more about losing context as centuries and cultures rise and fall.

We think of our own children as valuable, but even that wasn't always strictly true. I knew the Romans (and probably other cultures in the past) would let unwanted children die of exposure. But I had never thought about the actions and words of Jesus regarding children as radical. But the author points out that this is the case, and it is, now that it's been pointed out, I know this to be true.

Jesus doesn't want us to be like children, of course, in the irresponsible, immature sense. But he has said we are children of God -- all of us. So we are all valuable. Everyone. The addict, the bully, the nerdy and the beautiful. The homeless, the chronically ill, the hardworking Americans and the illegal immigrants. The people of Africa, Asia, Australia, Europe and the Americas. All of us. Even politicians.

And the words of Jesus, don't forget, were influential in more places than at church on Sunday morning. They changed the way children are regarded by most all civilizations and cultures. He influenced the fight against child labor, the abandoning of the practice allowing unwanted infants to perish, the focus we put today on education and care of children.

You see, children truly are among the most vulnerable among us. They are the ONLY vulnerable among us, but they are among those. As are the frail, the elderly, the homeless and poor, the lonely and ignorant, the mentally ill and the physically ill, all of those are given preferential treatment by God.

Those are Jesus' values. What are yours? Do they align with Jesus' values? 

I am finally coming around to both realize those values of Jesus, and to doing something about it. My values are changing, my worldview is changing and I am trying to step outside my comfort zone. It will be a long process. I hope I live long enough to see light at the end of the tunnel.

You see, we are at a disadvantage here in the wealthy United States of America. We are enjoying worldly wealth without even realizing it. We take for granted what people in Third World countries can only dream about -- plenty of clean, fresh water; pleasant shelters; access to technology and education. There's plenty more. We don't even realize how good we have it. And we often bristle at the thought of sharing with someone who didn't "earn" it, who doesn't "deserve" it.

But who are we to judge? We have trouble sharing with each others, sometimes more so than with shadowy "others" in other parts of the globe. But we also don't understand their suffering.

"Live justly, love tenderly and walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

"Jesus, set the child within me free so I can be more childlike with every passing day, and open the eyes of my soul that I may see your children all around me."

Chapter 14: Purity of Heart

This chapter views purity of heart as avoiding lust, sexual lust. Point taken. But ...

I see it a little bit differently. Maybe it's my age. I'm not really looking for a hot date, if you know what I mean.

But it still matters what we choose to look at, and how we perceive what our eyes show us. How so? Because we sometimes need to look at things that are really hard to look at. We WANT to avert our eyes, to NOT see how our own neighbors are living -- I'm talking about the homeless and marginalized in our own communities.

Because how can you look at those people and deep down inside, be comfortable with your own material wealth? So we look away, we avoid eye contact, we stare straight ahead and hope none of them approach us, make us see them.

We need to look. We need to talk to them. We need to get to know them as the individual people they are, the children of God they are in reality.

As the author points out, images are powerful. They cannot be unseen, once you've seen them. Ask anyone who works with the homeless and they will tell you it's so.

If you learn to control what you look at, how deep will the peace within you be? 

Also true. We need to look at things we don't want to, and we need to not look at things with longing, not just sexual images, but at advertising that tells us we need things we do not need. Stores filled with beautiful baubles that we do not need. That sort of thing.

And I do believe if I can accomplish some of this, just a little, I will find greater peace in my life.

"Jesus, purify my heart, purify my mind, purify my body and purify my soul."

Chapter 15: Making sense of suffering

Rose may remember this, I don't know. But I have a shadowy memory of us walking along the beach one summer as children, and we would walk on broken up shells on the beach until our feet hurt, and we thought we were suffering for God. We had been taught something about suffering, I don't recall exactly what, but we wanted to suffer in a holy way, in our childish way.

But in real life, suffering is no child's game. I lost my mother at age 12. Rose lost her father at a much earlier age. I lost my father just 11 y;ears ago, and Rose is taking care of her elderly mother.

One year, a recent year, 2010, I lost five people I knew and loved to cancer, all within a 6-month period. I've lost many others before and since, more on the since side, as I get older and more people suffer the ravages and indignities of aging.

There are the people who drive away and never come home. The young military troops who come home in coffins, or maimed and scarred forever. The child who is excited to start school, but is bullied and tormented until going to school is more like torture.

People are changed by suffering. Some for the good, some not so much.

But how does that play into the search for meaning in life? How does it teach us anything except to become bitter and angry at our fates?

It's not the suffering itself so much as it is the way we respond.

It's how we respond to the suffering of others as well as how we respond to what suffering does to ourselves.

It challenges our faith and it causes some to turn away from God entirely. Some even blame God for their suffering. But others accept it, even embrace it.

I do not think I handle seeing someone I love suffer very well. But how much worse would it be without faith that there is more to life than what we see and hear and experience in this earthly life?

Jesus promises us something better, when there will be no more crying, no more dying, no more pain. He promises to wipe away our tears -- again invoking that image of a child.

Just remember: God doesn't cause our suffering, we do. We torment ourselves and we cause others to suffer. God doesn't punish us, because we punish ourselves quite well, thank you very much.

Are you willing to suffer a little in order to grow spiritually?

I never feel like I'm willing, exactly, to suffer. I wouldn't 'run out to meet it as it approached my door. I would probably run out the back door if I saw it coming. But on the other hand, here I am, continuing to do the best I can and praying for help and guidance. It is comforting to know I am not alone.

"Jesus, teach me to embrace the unavoidable suffering of life and keep me ever mindful of those who suffer more than I do" (and remind me there are far more of those who suffer more than those who are better off).