Between Then and Now

Lent will be over in ten days.  My Lenten sacrifice has been twofold:

• One, finding the time to write two blogs a week in which I entered into self examination and self reflection regarding eight different topics.  Let's see if I can remember them from heart.  Negative thinking, criticism, procrastination, fear of success, fear of failure.  Well, five out of eight isn't too bad.  Upon a little research, I discover the other three to be negative self-talk, people pleasing, and self-doubt.

• Two, living with the fact that very few people will ever read my blogs.  A trial sore to the ego.

Which reminds me of a story, a true story at that, and also a short one.  One morning, when I was sixteen, I woke up from a dead sleep and burst into tears.  Just burst into tears. I was not rocked by a dream, or some dread worry facing me that day.  I was rocked by a notion.  That notion was the possibility I may not live forever.  

It wasn't long afterwards that I made a life-changing commitment to Jesus Christ, one night under a starry sky while sitting in a parking lot just a few blocks from the Atlantic Ocean.  In an instant it was as if my heart broke open and the entire ocean rushed in, washing away completely any doubt I would not only live forever, but in a sea of joy, love, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and everlasting divine adventure.  

I was seventeen and seven days.  A week later, I left for college, sailing off into an unknown future that was full of hope.  My faith was so absolute, so strong, so pure, so certain.  I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew Jesus Christ, Son of God, was risen from the dead, and was now risen in me.  No doubt.  Not then, not now.  

Not that I haven't doubted God in between now and then, or been unfaithful to my commitment.  In fact, over the years, I have prayed to many gods.  But only One has answered.  That is why I observe Lent.  My goal is not to indulge my need for perfection, but to enlarge my heart.  Not that I'll ever be able to contain the entire ocean.  But I plan on spending an eternity trying.

Pax et Bonum,
Rose