My Humble Reflections

Rediscover Jesus by Matthew Kelly is a forty-chapter book excellent for a personal or group Lenten retreat. The chapters are very short, and end with a point to ponder, a relevant scripture, a question to answer, and a prayer. I've been reading a chapter a day, along with my friend Susan. We're taking turns writing our reflections on three chapters at a time. 

I've chosen to publish the answers to questions, and follow with my own prayers. Here are my humble reflections to chapters 4, 5 & 6. These are very personal responses and not meant to be deathless prose. Just me sharing, as it were, in a virtual Lenten book club of sorts. So, if you choose to read along with us, I'd love it if you'd share your reflections here as well.

Have you ever really explored the Jesus question?

Yes, it’s the easiest question on the test for me. Yes. Definitely, yes.

A year or so prior to my momentous conversion at seventeen (August 18^th, 1973), God started three different conversations with me.

First, we started talking about the weather. I knew the story about how Jesus calmed a storm at sea, and concluded from that He must be good at controlling all sorts of weather. So I found myself shyly praying to God for good weather. That’s all. Please don’t let me get caught in a rainstorm walking home for school. Please send me perfect sun-tanning temperatures and awesome body-surfing waves at the beach. Please let it snow enough to make the sledding good.  

Beneath this “ice-breaker” conversation, a deeper dialogue was occurring. I could tell because every now and then this very random thought would come to mind: “Well, even if Jesus isn’t God, it was very nice of him to die for us.” Now why would I think that, if I wasn’t already considering the “Jesus Question?” But it wasn’t an intellectual endeavor. It was like some great spiritual stew was simmering in the crockpot of my heart, just below the surface of conscious awareness.

Lastly I started having dreams about Jesus. I have two very specific dreams that, to this day, speak very deeply to me about who I am to Jesus and who he is to me. 

In one dream, I was shown the crucifixion scene. Jesus was on one cross. Two men were hanging on crosses to either side of him. It was made clear to me I had to choose one of those two crosses. Would it be the cross of the man who reviled Jesus? Or would it be the cross of the man who asked Jesus to remember him when He came into his kingdom. 

The other dream I call my “Sleeping Beauty” dream.  A few weeks before my 17^th birthday, I had taken a nap in my grandmother’s room. In the dream, I was watching myself sleep when Jesus sat on the foot of the bed and looked at me with deep love. Then, he leaned over to kiss me on the cheek, which shocked me awake.  Not long after, I began to experience Christ in a deeply personal way. But I consider that dream to be the beginning of my journey with Christ, the moment of my soul’s resurrection.

Dear God, I thank you for the gift of faith you have infused into my spirit. It is not something I have to create. Let me never forget the sacred moments in my life that led me to believe in your Son.

What’s holding you back from believing in Jesus completely? 

I do believe in Jesus completely. It’s those knuckleheads I live with who don’t, and they are driving me nuts with their constant nattering.  On and on. Am I talking about my roommates? No. My husband? No. My children? No. I’m talking about the unholy trinity: Doubt, Denial and Betrayal. Or, as I like to call them, my inner Thomas, Peter and Judas.

After my conversion, my faith was passionate and pure. Not a single cloud of doubt in the sky. But over the years, these three yahoos started showing up at my back door more and more often. Like hoboes on the hunt for a free meal, now they let themselves in without even knocking. They stand around the kitchen, noshing on my bagels and drinking my coffee, yammering in my ear about whether God is trustworthy, whether God’s doing a good job, whether God exists, whether I shouldn’t consider a trial separation, at least. Try out something new. Get a little excitement in my life.

I’ve tried everything in the book to get rid of them. I put them in therapy for a while. That didn’t work. I take them to confession every now and then. They just make a bunch of promises they don’t bother keeping. I try just flat out ignoring them, but then they throw temper tantrums, rolling around on the floor like overtired children, clamoring for attention.

I’ve also tried thanking God for them. Peter’s denial led to humility and faithful love. Thomas’s questioning nature led to unshakeable faith. Judas betrayal put Jesus exactly where he needed to be to fulfill his destiny. So maybe, if I can just put up with them a little longer, my inner Pete, Tom and Jude will polish up my faith to a pearly shine, like sand in an oyster shell.

Then nothing will hold me back from believing in Jesus. Not even me.

Dear God, thank you for showing compassion and forgiveness towards me when I am tempted to deny, doubt or betray my faith. May the challenges I face transform my “unholy trinity” into the cardinal virtues of faith, hope and love.

Do I have a really good reason not to take Jesus at his word?

Ten Really Good Reasons to not take Jesus at his word:

1. Bible Scholars who debunk the Bible as a patchwork quilt of sayings and writings that may or may not be attributable to Jesus. As in, maybe he never said he was the Son of Man. Things like that.  Things that sow reasonable doubts.

2. …

OK, one really good reason, and maybe that’s not a very good one at that. Because, as Saint-Exupery wrote, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” I don’t know what makes the Bible hang together as the inspired Word of God. My mind will never understand it. But the intuitive intelligence of my heart tells me it is so.

Dear God, thank you for the intuitive intelligence of my heart. Remind me when I rely overly much on my mind that I am only thinking with half a brain…and not necessarily the better half!